= = = == CAPTURED BY CANNIBALS.= = = = WOODEN NICKEL

News anchor Dan Rather, The Reverend Jesse Jackson, NPR reporter Cokie Roberts, and an American Marine were hiking through the jungle one day when they were captured by cannibals.

They were tied up, led to the village and brought before the chief. The chief said, "I am familiar with your Western custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and eat you, do you have any last requests?"

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot, spicy chili." The chief nodded to an underling, who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Jesse Jackson said, "You know, the thing in this life I am proudest of is my work on behalf of the poor and oppressed. So before I go, I want to sing "We Shall Overcome" one last time." The chief said, "Go right ahead, we'relistening." Jackson sang the song, and then said, "Now I can die in peace."

Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybesomeday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end."The chief directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy.

The chief turned and said, "And now, Mr. Marine, what is your final wish?" "Kick me in the BUTT," said the Marine. "What?" said the chief. "Will you mock us in your last hour?" "No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the BUTT," insisted the Marine. So the chief shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the BUTT.

The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol from his waistband, and shot the chief dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed the cannibals with gunfire. In a flash, the cannibals were dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying the others, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the BUTT?"

"What!?" said the Marine, "And have you jerks call ME the aggressor?!"

=====================

Due to the popularity of the survivor show, Michigan is planning to do its own version, entitled "Survivor, Michigan Style."

The contestants will start in Port Huron, travel to Cadillac, Traverse City, Boyne City, Mackinaw, Houghton Lake and then to Bay City, Flint, Pontiac, Detroit, Ann Arbor, Jackson and Lansing, then back into Port Huron. Each will be driving a pink, Foreign made 2-door coupe with California plates and will have the following bumper stickers affixed to

their bumpers:

* "Snowmobiles are stupid,"

* "I hate the Detroit Red Wings,"

* "Michigan should share the Great Lakes,"

* "I don't believe in any hunting or fishing and I'm here to confiscate your guns."

The one to make it back to Port Huron alive wins.

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A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk."I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch." MORAL OF THE STORY: always let your boss have the first say.

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A City Policeman went up to a vendor selling toys and said, "I'm sorry, you can't sell that stuff without a license." The peddler replied, "I knew I wasn't selling any, but I didn't know the reason."

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An Amish man answered a knock on his door one morning. An electric company worker handed him a piece of paper stating that the electric company would like to run a power line through his cow pasture. The Amish man said, "No, no you can not." "Legally, that paper says we can." replied the gruff worker. As he turned and left returning to his co-workers in the field, the Amish man went to his barn and turned his bull into the pasture. As the bull rumbled toward the workers in the field, the Amish farmer hollered, "Show him thy ' paper!"

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A DD pulled into a foreign port and put down maximum liberty. The skeleton crew didn't notice a chimpanzee, escaped from a nearby civilian transport, crawl up the mooring lines and then into the smokestack.

Down the stack, it made it's way into the engine room. It came across a power panel opened up for maintenance, couldn't read the warning signs, and with a bright blue blast shorted out the ships electrical system, and plunged the ship into darkness.

A little bit later, two junior Hull Technicians wander down with their flashlights, looking for the problem. They come upon the blackened body of the chimp.They shine their flashlights on it's long burnt arms. They look at each other. They highlight it's short legs and odd feet. They look at each other again.

Finally one says, " Well, it's too hairy to be an electrician, the legs are too short for a Hull Tech,and there would be more tattoo's on a Bo'sun. Call the wardroom and see if one of the Duty Officers are missing.

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