= = = I had a huge argument, = = = WOODEN NICKEL

After my husband and I had a huge argument, we ended up not talking to each other for days. Finally, on the third day, he asked where one of his shirts was. "Oh," I said, "So now you're speaking to me." He looked confused, "What are you talking about?" "Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for three days?" I challenged. "No," he said, "I just thought we were getting along."

=========================

"The White House is considering pushing back an attack on Saddam Hussein until after January 1st. When asked why, a White House spokesperson said, 'it's hard to get President Bush to focus on anything until after Santa comes.'"

=======================

Q: What happens when you fail to pay your exorcist?

A: You get repossessed

======================== Q: What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by it's diameter?

A: Pumpkin Pi.

===========================

"The WB has a new kind of show coming out based on the MTV show "The Real World." It's called "The Surreal Life," where they have celebrities all rooming together... Hey, isn't that called rehab?"

==========================

"Will the father be present during the birth?" asked the obstetrician solicitously. "Nah," replied the mother-to-be. "He and my husband don't get along."

========================

One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going." "Why not?" she asked. "I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them." His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why you SHOULD go to church. One, you're 54 years old, and two, you're the preacher!"

========================

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He's really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice. A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle... it makes your nose look too short. Love, Grandma."

============================

During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a man from the back of the theater yelled, "How'd you do that?" "I could tell you, sir", the magician answered, "But then I'd have to kill you." After a short pause, the man yelled back, "Ok, then... just tell my wife!"

===========================

The gig was just about ready to start when the band leader called the female singer over and said:

"Listen, tonight we're going to begin the set with 'April in Paris', but I want to do it a little differently. We'll start in the key of G for the first four bars, then modulate to B-flat for the next eight bars, change the meter to 3/4 for six bars, then pick up the tempo to Allegro for twelve bars, then modulate to F-sharp for eight bars, change the meter back to 4/4 and slow down to Rubato for four bars, play a tacet for four bars, modulate up to D-flat for eight bars..."

"HEY, HOLD ON!" the girl said. "I can't do stuff like that without rehearsal!"

He said, "Why not? You've been doing it all ' week long!"

=======================

A man walks up to a woman in his office every day, stands very close to her, inhales a big breath of air through his nose and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore and takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department.

Without identifying the guy, she tells them what her co-worker does and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

Show all stories by   Author:  27583 ( Click here )