= = = "Why don't we ask the waiter?" = = = WOODEN NICKEL

We were dining in a Chinese restaurant in San Francisco famous Chinatown, when my friend asked me. " Do you know if there are there any Jews in China?" "I don't know," I replied and suggested. "Why don't we ask the waiter?" and when he came by, "I asked if there were any Chinese Jews ?" "I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter answered and disappeared into the kitchen. He quickly returned and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews." "Are you sure?" I asked. "I can check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, my friend said, "I can't believe there are no Jews in China, after all, people are scattered everywhere these days " When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews." "Are you really sure?" I asked again. muttering, "I cannot believe there's no Chinese Jews." "Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange jews, prune jews, tomato jews and grape jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese jews!"

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Q: Why did Dracula flunk art class?

A: Because he could only draw blood!

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Q: Why do sharks live in salt water?

A: Because pepper water makes them sneeze.

======================= People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

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A woman who tried to sue her surgeon for removing her good right leg instead of her left bad one was told by the judge, "Lady, you haven't a leg to stand on"

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Silence Doesn't Mean Your Performance Left Her Speechless.

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Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

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Little Johnny, who was an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany him, as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, Little Johnny allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and Little Johnny found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree." With that challenge placed before him, Little Johnny swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from its original starting point. The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."

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Playing golf with his buddies, my grandfather had to make a slick 25-foot putt. As he lined it up, he announced, "I have a dollar bill that says I can make this putt. Does anyone want to bet?" His three friends eagerly agreed to the wager. My grandfather missed the putt by ten feet, and his friends gathered around to collect their money. Granddad pulled out a dollar bill on which he had written, "I can make this putt." His pals are still trying to collect on the bet and grandpa is too.

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"Yet We Pray"

We have the resources and the channels to feed every person on the planet, yet we pray for an end to starvation.

We have the supplies and the means to house and clothe each citizen on earth, yet we pray for an end to poverty.

We have the ability to be friends and companions to the elderly and the infirm, yet we pray for an end to their loneliness.

We have the qualified competence to mentor and guide the young, yet we pray for the lost and misguided among them.

We have within us, the capacity to love one another, yet we pray for an end to hatred.

We have the power to transform the world, yet we pray for change.

We have been given so much, yet we use so little of it.

Let us pray for the things we need, not for that, which we already have.

Let our legacy be one of action, a generation of doers, who prayed deeply and in earnest for the strength, the courage, the determination and the conviction, to use our God-given gifts - justly.

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The difference between men and women

Haircuts -- Women's version:

Woman1: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute! Woman2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking? Woman1: Oh God, no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think. Woman2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts -- I think that would look so cute. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck. Woman1: Oh, that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line. Woman2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms -- see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier . . .

Haircuts -- Men's version:

Man1: Haircut? Man2: Yeah.

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Good News & Bad News ----------------------------------- Woman phones up her husband at work for a chat.

Husband: "I'm sorry dear, but I'm up to my neck in work today."

Wife: "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you, dear."

Husband: "Okay, darling, but as I've got very little time now, so just give me the good news."

Wife: "Well, the air bag works."

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More Superior

Son: Dad, do you think that the American Indians were superior to the white men who took this land from them?

Father: You bet. When the Indians were the sole occupants of this land, they had no taxes, no national debt, no centralized government, no military draft, no foreign aid programs, no banks, no stock markets, no nuclear weapons, and their women did all the work. What could be more superior to that?

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The New Pastor ----------------------------------- A church had to hire a new pastor. Over the protests of one vocal male member a woman was hired as the new senior pastor.

After the new pastor had been there a few weeks, a member of the congregation offered to take the new pastor fishing. The vocal objector reluctantly agreed to allow them to use his boat and to go along.

The trio got into the boat and motored out on the lake. When they got ready to fish, they realized that all their tackle had been left on the dock. One of the men commented that he guess they would just have to go back and get it.

The pastor said that wouldn't be necessary, and she got out of the boat and started walking across the water toward the dock.

The old grouch said, "See I told you we never should have hired that woman. She can't even swim."

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