= = = His wife Becky comes with him. = = ==WOODEN NICKEL

Benny is nearly 80 years old and goes to his doctor for his yearly medical checkup. His wife Becky comes along with him. As soon as they enter the doctor's office, the doctor says to Benny, "I need a urine sample and a stool sample."

Benny's hearing was not as good as it used to be, so he looks at Becky and shouts, "What did the doctor say he wanted?"

Becky shouts back, "He wants your underwear."

====================

A Catholic woman, a Protestant woman and a Jewish woman die and go to heaven. St. Peter meets them at the gate to heaven.

The Catholic woman says, "I've been a good wife and mother, I took good care of my family and I want to go to heaven." St. Peter tells her to go to the left.

The Protestant woman says, "I've been a good woman. I kept my house clean and cooked and took care of my family, and went to church every Sunday." St. Peter tells her to step to the left also.

The Jewish woman tells St. Peter, "I've been a good woman, I made Shabbos every Friday, I went to the synagogue on the holidays, and took care of my family." St. Peter tells her to step to the right.

She immediately asks him, "Why did you tell me to go to the right and you told the other two women to go to the left?"

St. Peter replies, "Don't you want to go to the beauty parlor first?

==================

There are two theories on how to successfully argue with a Jewish mother.

Unfortunately, neither works.

===================

The Jewish Chronicle had heard that Benny was coming up to his 110th birthday so they sent one of their reporters to interview him.

"How do you account for your longevity?" asked the reporter.

"You could say that I am a health nut," Benny answered. "I have never smoked or drunk alcohol, I am always in bed by ten o'clock, I've been going to Israeli folk dance classes since I was a teenager and I've always walked three miles a day, even in rain or snow."

"But," said the reporter, "my uncle Saul followed exactly the same routine and he died when he was 75. So how come it didn't work for him?"

"All I can say," replied Benny "is that he didn't keep it up long enough."

=====================

A priest, a minister and a rabbi were talking about whether sex was work, God's work, or pleasure.

The priest says, "It is God's work--to procreate and produce more creatures in his image."

The minister says, "It is a pleasure that God gave us, so that we could be fruitful and multiply."

The rabbi says, "I'm not really sure, but I do know that if it was work my wife would hire someone to come in and do it for her."

========================== Q: How do Jewish wives prepare their children for supper?

A: They put them in the car.

======================

Simcha had lived a good life, having been married four times. Now she stood before the Pearly Gates. The angel at the gates said to her, "I see that you first of all married a banker, then an actor, next a rabbi and lastly an undertaker. Why? This does not seem appropriate for a Jewish woman." "Oh yes it is," Simcha replied. "It's one for the money, two for the show, three to make ready and four to go."

==========================

A Jewish couple is sitting together on an airplane flying to the Far East. Suddenly over the public address system, the Captain announces: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some rather bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and this plane will be going down momentarily. Luckily, I see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing.

This island appears to be uncharted; I am unable to find it on our maps. Therefore, the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time if not for the rest of our lives.

A few minutes later the plane lands safely on the island, whereupon Morris turns to his wife and asks: "Esther, did we pay our pledge to the Yeshiva yet?

"No Morris!"

Morris smiles, and then asks, "Esther, did we pay our UJA pledge?"

"Oh no, I forgot to send the check!!"

Now Morris laughs.

"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send our Temple Building Fund check this month?

"Oy vey Morris, I forgot that one too!"

Now Morris is practically choking with laughter.

Esther asks him: "So what are you so giddy about?

Morris responds, "They'll find us."

===================

Bernie says to his friend, "My Sadie and I, we are always holding hands."

"Why do you do this?" asks his friend.

"Because if I let go, she shops."

======

Irving was talking to his analyst, "I grew up to have my father's looks, my father's speech patterns, my fathers posture, my father's opinions and my mother's contempt for my father."

======

Abe was 88 years old and went to see his financial advisor.

"So what do you think is an appropriate investment for me?" asked Abe.

"Well," replied the advisor, "I have found a terrific investment that will double your money in 5 years."

"Are you meshugge," said Abe, "a five year investment? Why, at my age, I don't even buy green bananas."

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