Getting all of my frustrations with life out!--by Emi

After spending time PMing with Base, I've decided perhaps I should actually talk about my problems instead of just hiding behind wanting to help others. I don't feel my problems are really that important, but Base brought up a good point in my one post where I apologized:

"Your intentions are really nice, but look at what it's doing to you."

I've felt rather worthless lately... actually, for a couple of months now. I sit back and pretend I'm actually okay with everything that has happened, but I guess I'm really not. I mean, when I really look at it, I have gotten pretty miserable.

But don't get me wrong. The people in my life, such as my wonderful fiance Matt, makes living worth it. But I can't help wondering sometimes what it would be like if I were to just quit, to go to sleep for twenty years like Rip Van Winkle...

So, I'll start at the beginning of this whole ordeal... (I guess really talking will get it out...)

I went to Utah this summer to see the family I had pretty much left when I was 11. My grandma had a stroke not too long ago and I feel so bad because here I was, about 2000 miles away (probably more) while she was in the hospital, while she went through physical therapy...

So I agreed to a visit. I was due for one anyway. I mean, none of them had seen me in person for almost 2 years, because I managed to get myself out of visiting before. And when I was at the airport, I was looking through all of my contacts in my cell phone and trying to figure out how to get ahold of Katie (Corky) so I could see her.

I got bored with my cell phone quickly, because I have a really short attention span at times, and started flipping through my address book. That's when I came upon Kellie's address.

Kellie was my best friend when I lived in Utah. We use to do everything together, and we always hung out. We both had bad home lives, and caused a lot of trouble together. But Kellie had given me her address and phone number before I moved away. I'm horrible about contacting people, so we hadn't talked for some time.

Anyway.. I decided I might as well call her, and she picked up after the second ring. She couldn't believe she was actually hearing from me. And we started planning seeing each other.

We got the chance to see each other twice while I was out there, and we confided so much with each other. We promised to keep in touch when I went back to Ohio, and I was so glad to have my friend back..

But it didn't last long...

I knew Kellie had been having a lot of problems.. but it didn't fully hit in until she came on asking me what would happen if she took a certain amount of pills. I, of course, got freaked out when she started saying her goodbyes, and ran to my bookbag to get my cell phone. (I was at my friend Megan's house when this happened.)

Megan tried to tell Kellie to not do it while I called up information to get the phone number to the police out there... it took me about 10 minutes to actually get ahold of them, but I finally succeeded. I told them her address, the phone number where I was, and what had happened, and then they were off to help her..

I was a mess afterward. Matt would try to get me to talk, but I grew really distant from him. I tried calling the day after, and Kellie's father told me never to call there ever again. I was too surprised to say anything so I just hung up, then fell into a fit of tears.

I had emailed Kellie's mom to try and reason with her, telling her I only wanted the best for Kellie...

A couple of days later, I got hate mail from Kellie... tons of it.. she told me that I betrayed her trust.. that I had ruined her life, that I knew nothing about her.. to her, I was a traitor, I was a backstabber, and she said she didn't care about me at all.. in fact, she hated me.. she despised me...

I felt so... broken.. I was alone, and I couldn't shake the feeling that had I just left it.. maybe it wouldn't have been this bad.. had I just turned away...

Everyone told me I did the right thing... I had people coming and hugging me, telling me I was very brave and very compassionate to have called the police.. but it didn't matter to me.. I was dead... I walked around almost drunk from my despair.

She recently sent me emails saying she didn't send those hate emails, telling me that she loves me so much, and saying that she had been in the hospital and was putting charges on her father... but... I couldn't shake the feeling that it was an act..

So.. I've been seriously altered from the summer because of that... I love helping people.. but now everyone knows why I get tired so easily.. why I lose my ability to actually give advice after awhile..

I'm so afraid of failing... I've failed too much... I failed her..

So now people know.. there's the story... that's whats wrong with me..

* Emi *

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