I'm under alot of stress.... sometimes I cut myself.

I've been under so much stress for the past 2 years... a couple years ago it was just a little, and now it's so much work. A year ago my dad hurt his wrist, and when he could finally go back, they laid him off, and never got him another job. So he spent forever finding another job in farmers Insurence. He finally got another one selling insurence, but he doesn't always make enough money. That makes me mad, and my mom gets upset sometimes about his job which gets me more mad. Ive told her, and she just tells me not to worry, which obviously doenst help me. I'm always worried that we don't have enough money, or that we'll end up going bankrupt. Expecially when my mom gets mad.

I've always liked cleaning too when I got put on my medicine in 7th grade. Since my dad was having job problems, I've been obsessed with the stupidest things about neatness. There so little things, and I know it's really not that big of deal, but I can't stop straighting those things up.

This year, it's my jr. year of highschool, and I'm suddenly obsessed with my grades. My worst grades are a D and 2 C's. My mom always tells me that C's are good, I used to think they were, but now I'm mad about my two C's. All my other friends get better grades... including my friends in special ed classes. I'm also stressed out still about one of my best friednds. She hurt me so bad in the summer on a trip. She constantly called me an Idiot, and moron about 100 times, and kept getting upset about me remembering things. We took a break, and she's been alot nicer now, but I'm still mad in a way at her. I don't want to become too good of a freind again, but I don't know how to do that without hurting her.

Anyway, now tonight I got in a fight with my mom and dad. All I did was told my mom to shut-up... which I know I shouldn't have done, but I was just getting so annoyed! Now I can't go w/ my b/f who I don't know if he's my /f anymore (another thing causing stress) to a parade tomarrow, and I can't see my little 2nd cousins from Georgia, who I won't be able to see again till Christmas!!! When ever my mom doesn't let me see little kids or do something with my friends I get really really mad, because really it just puts me more under stress. I feel stress free when I'm around other people besides my parents, and they don't understand that. Whenever my mom won't let me do something like this I always say I'm going to kill myself, as a way to release my anger. I tell her constantly I don't mean it, and I know she beleives me because I'm terriefied of dying. Buyt tonight my mom found out that I sometimes cut myself. I've done it only about four times since my freshmen year, and tonight was one of them. I only give myself little scratches with a pocket knife, because I can't deal with the pain of cutting my self deep. But my mom really wants to get me help, but my dad and me to want me to go to a phyciatrist. Only because I someday want to be a kindergarten teacher, and I help out with Sunday School, and I don't know if I'd be able to be a teacher if I go to a phyciatrist. My mom doesn't even think I should be around little kids if I cut myself, but I don't know. I love little kids, and I never act like this around them. I'm very calm and patient. They love me. I know so many of them and I love all of them. Others think I'm great with them to, so I don't know what they think if they knew that I cut myself!!!! I hope they'd still let me be around kids, because they know I don't act at all like that around children. I just need someone to talk to. This is bothering me so much! If anyone can talk more about this with me, could they email me @ [email protected], or IM me at MissFrizz0621