I got this knife in my back and everyone keeps pushing it deeper.

Where to start ? I have not posted in this section for a while . I thought life was going good . I have not been wickedly depressed for some time until now . What is life for any how ? I want to know why I am the center of it all . If some thing negitve is said , it is about me . This girl ( lets call her Shelley) was supossed to be my friend . Shelley has been over the limit various times with me . Lying about people I once cared for , lying about people I DO care for and then rubbing stuff in my face . Last week she came up with some dumb story that my guy friend was said to have started . Turns out SHE started it . It is a long and complex story and I won't draw it out . Any how , It feels like I have this huge knife in my back . People keep back stabbing and back stabbing . It NEVER ends . Why am I the one ? I have been threw a lot in my life . My Dad had cancer , My brother died , my mom is sick , we are losing every thing , I get stressed and now the load is too much . It is like it was two years ago . I want to die . I don't want to kill my self but I don't wanna put up with this crap . It is like a never ending story. I am sucked under water and I cannot breathe . I want to sleep and never wake up . I am beginning to like my NightMares more than being awake . I really am not crazy but people make me feel like it . The happiness everyone sees....IT IS FAKE . I have not been truly happy in a long time . The only time I AM happy is when I am here or talking to Kyle . You all don't know who he is but he enderstands me . And although I said I had not been too depressed ..it does not meen I have been unhappy . I don't even know what would make me happy now . Maybe for my brother to be alive and for half the crap that happened to me dissapear . But I guess that is impossible . I know this sounds like self pitty , heck , maybe it is . But why is life like that ? No one said life was dandy but why do I need to be so sad ? Its like there is a huge gap between the meaning of life and me . I have friends ...no a lot but enough . But I still feel distant from them and odd . When I DO open up to them they ditch me . I cannot go on like this any more guys . I can't . I know I have a meening in life and a destiny , the bible even says it . But I need help and I don't think counsling will help much any more . I feel helpless. Half the time I dunno what makes me sad and I don't know what I really want . I don't feel like I know a thing any more . It is like a pattern...wake up , go to school , home work , eat , bed......that for the next two years....add a job in for the next 30 years and then you die . Am I really so helpless ?