= = = = Little Johnny = = = = WOODEN NICKEL

Little Johnny was in his 4th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up-fireman, policeman, salesman, etc...

Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men.

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took Little Johnny aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said Johnny, "He plays for the Detroit Tigers, but I was too embarrassed to say so."

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Q: If two wrongs don't make a right, what did two rights make?

A: An airplane.

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You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

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Carolyn, after attending a family reunion in rural Georgia, was telling her sons about their great-great-grandfather, noted for the quality of his famous moon shine in the area.. It seems he believed that to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his grits every mornin' and he practiced what he preached, religiously, and lived to the ripe old age of 98. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren, and reportedly a 25-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

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Show me a man with both feet on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't put on his pants.

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Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty. The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan didn't I marry ye and yer husband 2 years ago?" She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father." The Father asked, "And be there any wee ones yet?" She replied, "No, not yet, Father." The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband." She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father." They parted ways. Some years later they met again. The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?" She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!" The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?" She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!" The Father said, "That's wonderful!" How is yer loving husband doing?" She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fEEkin' candle

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A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla

Removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder,a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his PRIVATES and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog"

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A destroyer pulled into a foreign port, and put down maximum

liberty.

The skeleton crew didn't notice a chimpanzee, escaped from a

nearby civilian transport, crawled up the ropes and up to the

smokestack. Down the stack, it made its way into the engine

room. It came across a power panel opened up for maintenance,

couldn't read the warning signs, and with a bright blue blast

shorted out the ship's electrical system, and plunged the ship

into darkness.

A little bit later, two junior Hull Technicians wander down

with their flashlights, looking for the problem. They come

upon the blackened body of the chimp. They shine their

flashlights on its long, burnt arms. They look at each other.

They highlight its short legs and odd feet. They look at each

other.

Finally one says, "Well, it's too hairy to be an Electrician,

the legs are too short for a Hull Tech, and there would be

more tattoos on a Bo'sun. Call the wardroom, see if one of the

duty officers is missing."

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FIRST MARINE: Hey, Jack, do you have time to run down to the saloon? One of our boys is having a brawl with 35 sailors!

SECOND MARINE: Well, what the heCK. Can't he take care of that many by himself?

FIRST MARINE: Sure, but he's getting hot. He wants somebody he can trust to hold his coat.

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Q: Why do elephants have trunks? A: Because they would look really silly with glove compartments.

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Q: What do you get when you cross an owl with a goat? A: A hootenanny.

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failure is a man who has blundered but is not able to cash in on the experience. ---Elbert Hubbard

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It wasn't school that the students disliked, it was the principal of the thing.

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How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teen-ager who wants to stay out all night?

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There are some days I practice positive thinking, and other days I'm not positive I am thinking.

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My cousin, Marilyn, says that teaching a Sex Education class has its own

special problems. She complained. "One of my students has become pregnant, and I don't know whether to flunk her or give her extra credit."

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The Sexiest Thing A Gal Can Wear Is A Devilish Smile

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The beauty of religious mania is that it has the power to explain everything. Once God (or Satan) is accepted as the first cause of everything which happens in the mortal world, nothing is left to chance... logic can be happily tossed out the window. --- Stephen King

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A priest and a rabbi were talking about confession one day when the priest got an idea. "Why don't you sit in with me on confession today?" "Are you sure that would be okay?" asked rabbi. "Well, no one will know...what can it hurt?" replied priest. So rabbi accepted and first woman in booth said, "Forgive me father for I have sinned." "What did you do?" he asked. "I cheated on my husband," she admitted. "How many times?" priest asked. "Three times, Father." "Say five Hail Mary's and put five dollars in offering box." The next woman who came in had much same confession. "Forgive me Father,

for I have sinned. I cheated on my husband three times." Once again priest replied, "Say five Hail Mary's and put five dollars in

offering box." Now that rabbi had seen how easy it was he offered to deal with next confession for priest. "Well, I really don't see what it could hurt. Go ahead." offered the priest. Another woman came in and said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." "What have you done?" asked rabbi. "In a moment of weakness I cheated on my husband." she confessed. "Just once?" asked rabbi. "No. Twice." replied woman. "Well, go do it again, they're three for five dollars today."

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A golfer, now into his golden years, had a lifelong ambition to play one

hole at Pebble Beach, California the way the pros do it. The pros drive the ball out over the water onto the green that is on a spit of land that juts out off the coast. It was something he had tried hundreds of times without success. His ball always fell short, into the ocean. Because of this he never used a new all on this particular hole. He always picked out one that had a cut

or a nick. Recently he went to Pebble Beach to try again. When he came to the fateful hole, he teed up an old cut ball and said a silent prayer. Before he hit it however, a powerful voice from above said, "WAIT...REPLACE THAT OLD BALL WITH A BRAND-NEW BALL." He complied, with some slight misgiving, despite the fact that the Lord seemed to be implying that He was going to let him finally achieve his lifelong ambition. As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came down again, "WAIT...STEP BACK... TAKE A PRACTICE SWING." So he stepped back and took

a practice swing. The voice boomed out again, "TAKE ANOTHER PRACTICE SWING." He did. Silence followed. Then the voice spoke out again. "PUT BACK THE OLD BALL."

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Ira knew nothing about the wild when he went on his first hunting trip. He walked into a clearing and was surprised to find a young woman lying there . "Pardon me," Ira said, "are you game?" She looked him up and down and seductively said, "Yes." So he shot her.

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"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing." ---Emo Philips

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A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?" The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy...and besides, it's difficult to describe pain." "I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks. "Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..." "Like this?" "A little more..." "Like this?" "No. A little more..." "Like this?" "Yes. Does that hurt?" "A little bit." "Now stretch it over your head!"

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A truck driver is cruising along when he spots a little yellow man standing in the middle of the road, crying. He brings the truck to a standstill, rolls down the window and asks the little man what's wrong. "I'm yellow, I'm from Venus, I'm gay and I'm hungry," sobs the little man. "Well," says the trucker, "I can offer you a sandwich, but that's as much as I can do."

So he passes a sandwich to the little man and drives off. A while later, he has to stop again because there's a little red man in the middle of the road, crying. So he comes to a halt, rolls down the window and a bit more impatiently - asks the little man what the matter is. "I'm red, I'm from Mars, I'm gay and I'm thirsty," the little man bawls. So the trucker says, "I can offer you a can of Coke, but that's as much as I can do." He hands a can of Coke down to the little man and drives off. A little further on, the trucker spots a little blue man in the middle of the road. Really annoyed now, he stops, rolls down the window and snaps, "Yes, you silly little blue moffie, what planet are you from and what do you want?" The little man answers, "Your driver's licence, please ....."

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