The test results are in : The baby was a boy .

My parents have been waiting for this day, when the doctor would call and tell us what the gender of the baby was. It was a boy after all . I guess it is official , his name is Elijah . It feels so weird to know I have two brothers . My mom talked about the test results with her doctor . He says he was PERFECT . There was no defects or deformities at all . So now no one knows why this happened . My mom thought it would have been my dad's radiation treatment prior to conceiving but the doc said it wasn't . My mom also had an x ray the same day she conceived but again , the doctor said that would not have done any thing to Elijah . I guess it remains a mystery . I sit here and I am trying to make sense of it all . Trying to find some reason to blame my self and I can't seem to find any thing to say about it . I miss the baby so much it hurts to even look at his picture they took when he was in my mom's tummy . I love him so dearly. He will always be apart of me . Although he is dead his spirit lives in my house. It just really hurts to know I won't ever see him graduate , go off to college or get married . They day he died , a part of me died too. Some people think that is isnt a big deal because my mom din't carry full term . Some think it was not even a baby yet . Well he WAS a baby and he IS my brother . It was a big deal and still is a big deal to me . You would not bleive how bad I wanted to die when my mom told me about the baby dying . And it never ever ends. The pain still stays deep inside of me . It is not as bad some days . But even the little things make me cry . Well I ever be normal again ? Why did God let this happen ? If Elijah was perfect why didn't he live ?

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