= = = there is a funeral = = = WOODEN NICKEL

Two guys are golfing on a course that is right next to a cemetery. After they tee off, one of the golfers notices that there is a funeral procession passing by. So he takes off his hat, and places it over his heart. When the funeral is over, the other golfer looks at the guy and asks, ''Why did you do that?'' The man replies, ''Well we were maried for almost 40 years. It's the least I could do.''

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I dialed a wrong number and got the following recording: "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."

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When you're hospitalized, it pays to be nice to your nurse, even when you're feeling miserable. A bossy businessman learned the hard way after ordering his nurses around as if they were his employees. But the head nurse stood up to him. One morning she entered his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his bottom. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back!"

She left the door to his room open on her way out, and he cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" "Yes," said the doctor. "But never with a carnation."

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Things That Become Evident When a Baby Arrives

Finally, you have someone you can beat at "Got Your Nose," at least for a year or so.

You develop a liking for mini vans, sensible shoes, and a deep-seated contempt for Michael Jackson.

You're not so tolerant of strangers asking to touch your round little belly anymore now that you are just FAT.

Goodbye, Happy Hour---Hello, Happy Meal!!

Junior looks adorable in his little "sandbox," but the cat is seriously torqued about it.

For efficiency, your paycheck is now direct-deposited to Disney.

You come to the realization that caca comes in a rainbow of lovely colors.

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Murphy's Laws of Computing

When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

When the going gets tough, upgrade.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

To err is human . . . To blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.

If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked perfectly.

The number one cause of computer problems? Computer solutions offered by family members.

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Women are like newspapers because...

- Older ones are not in demand - They're well worth looking over - They have a great deal of influence - You can't believe everything they say - They always have the last word - You should really get your own and not go borrowing your neighbor's.

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