Falling Apart

I'm 15 years old. I was adopted soon after I was born, but now I have a great mom, dad, and older brother. I consider myself to have a lot of close friends.. but two best friends. Emily and Elena. I have the most wonderful boyfriend.. Jared, and I love him to death. Right now Im a sophmore in high school. Last year, my freshman year, was awfully rough for me. I had some family problems and Ive always had pretty low confidence. For most of the year I completely hated myself. I was unhappy most of the time, but I was constantly superficial and I acted like everything was okay. I cut myself quite frequently and I had some-what of an adition to drugs such as "loratab." In May of last year Jared and I started dating. He made me so happy. I quit cutting myself and I quit the loratab. Paritialy because I didnt want him to know about them, but mostly because I felt so okay, I felt like I didnt need them anymore. Last summer was so amazing. I was a lifeguard at the pool, I had this amazing boyfriend, and my friends and I became very close. I had great times with my family and my friends. I moved up on the social scene, and partied with friends and just had a lot of fun. School has only been going on for about two months now, but for the last month the way I feel has just been going downhill. I've always had pretty decent grades, but right now, I don't ever study. I just don't have the energy. I'm too tired and my head hurts too much. About two weeks into school my friend I mentiond earlier, Emily's, five year old cousin Jonnathon died. Jared and I had just eaten with him and his older sister three days before. It was so horrible, and just entirely to unreal. Emily and all of our friends were very unhappy.. and naturally, so was the entire family. We spent two days off of school, at the funeral and such. After about three or four days, we all kind of pushed it away. We don't talk about it anymore. I had the biggest problem at the funeral though.. I was there with Emily at the showing, and naturally she was so upset. I felt like I had to be strong for her. Even though I too, had been pretty close to Jonnathon, I held back my tears. Friends on end would come around crying, but I knew that I had to be strong for Emily. After the showing was over, Jared picked me up. We talked and I cried and cried and finally let out all I had been holding back. He's amazing like that.. just being with him helped me. A week and a day later, my aunt also passed away. We didnt have school that day because of a holiday, and Jared, Elena, and her boyfriend were over. I remember exactly. Elena and her man were laying on the floor.. and Jared and I on the couch. I heard the phone ring, and went to answerd it. It was my Gramma.. my dad had already answerd the phone, but I listend to her telling my dad, that my aunt was gone. I couldnt beleive it. It was so unreal. I didnt cry, I didnt do anything. I just went and layed down beside Jared.. he asked what was wrong, and I told him.. and he just held me. I didnt cry though, I don't know why.. but I didnt. I tried to stay strong through that week, and I havnt really showed how I felt about that to anyone. It's been a few weeks since all of that.. and Im doing alright, when it comes to that, at least. Every once in a while, small things will remind me, and Ill get upset.. but thats normal, so yeah, I thought I've been doing fine. Last week I got really sick. I missed four days of school. I was in the hospital because I was dehidrated, and I had a horribly upset stomach. For four days I didnt keep any food down at all. I eventually got on something to stop the throwing up. I also had a horrible head ache. The doctor thought it could be a brain tumor, and I had a million tests run on me. The entire week I had tons of blood drawn, an MRI, a cat skan, and an upper GI. It was all so horrible.. and I felt like a test rat. It turns out, they couldnt find anything wrong. Now that I think about it.. I have been rather unhappy the last month. Im fine when Im with Jared, but I get annoyed with myself because I feel like hes the only thing making me okay. I dont like being so depented.. when Im not with him, Im so unhappy. Its so horrible.. Its worse then I was when I used to cut. This morning, I woke up so exhausted. I've been really tired for quite some time.. and the doctor can never find anything wrong with me. This morning was espically bad. I just felt so tired, and so unhappy. I was crying and so upset.. and I dont know why. I faked falling down in the bath room, so my mom would think I was really sick. I dont know why I did it.. but I know I couldnt stand being at school. My mom took me to my grammas and she took me to the doctor.. he took more blood work, and now Im turning back into the test rat. Just more and more tests.. I can't study for school. My head hurts to bad.. and it just takes up all the energy I don't have. I try so hard, but I just can't. I used to work out quite often.. and now I never can get the energy. I've just been so unhappy, espically today, since I got home. I don't see why. I feel so.. dead. My wrist is itching to cut, but I know better, I don't want to get sent off to a mental hospital or something. Im going crazy here. I'm crying and just so upset.. and I don't know why. I feel so alone.. yet, I know I have people who would be there for me.. I just want to die, but I couldnt leave Jared. Hes the only thing keeping me alive.. and now Im scared hes going to get annoyed with me. He doesnt need a "sick" girlfriend around, or a crazy one. I just don't know what to do.. I'm so scared, and so confused.. what is wrong with me?