= = = Debbie wasn't home = = = WOODEN NICKEL

. Debbie wasn't home, and it was getting awfully late. Not knowing any of her girlfriend's phone numbers, her Mother fired-up Debbie's computer and saw a list of e-mail addresses.

She sent a note to each name asking if they knew where her daughter was. Within twenty minutes, she got back 16 replies all saying that she wasn't to worry, that Debbie was spending the night at their house and had neglected to telephone.

=====================

A blonde was chatting with her building manager when she happened to mention that the tenants in the apartment above hers were awfully noisy.

"Most nights, they stomp around up there as if they will killing cockroaches or something. All evening, this goes on, until around midnight."

"That's terrible," said the building manager. "Do you want me to speak to them about it?"

"Oh, no, it's not necessary," said the blonde. "It doesn't keep me up or anything, because, most nights, I usually stay up and practice my trumpet 'til about that time anyway."

=======================

An Irishman walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what the Irishman had done, "what was that all about?"

"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

=====================

Mary: Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??

Jane: I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

===================

Q: How are an apple and a lawyer alike?

A: They both look good hanging from a tree.

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Comparisons

IN PRISON.......You get three meals a day. AT WORK.........You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON.......You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out. AT WORK.........You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON.......They allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK.........You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON.......You can watch TV and play games. AT WORK.........You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

==================

A woman gets up, puts up the shade, takes the cover off the parrot's cage, makes coffee, and smokes a cigarette. Suddenly the phone rings. Her boyfriend saying he's coming over.

She snubs out the cigarette, pulls down the shade, unplugs the coffee pot, puts the cover back on the parrot's cage, and gets back into bed.

From under cover, the parrot mutters, "Well that was a short day!"

====================

A man and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife, "You aren't that good either!" By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the phone.

"What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?"

"I was in bed."

"What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?"

"Getting a second opinion."

=====================

"What's Important to You"

A Native American and his friend were in downtown New York City, walking near Times Square in Manhattan. It was during the noon lunch hour and the streets were filled with people. Cars were honking their horns, taxicabs were squealing around corners, sirens were wailing, and the sounds of the city were almost deafening. Suddenly, the Native American said, "I hear a cricket."

His friend said, "What? You must be crazy. You couldn't possibly hear a cricket in all of this noise!"

"No, I'm sure of it," the Native American said, "I heard a cricket."

"That's crazy," said the friend.

The Native American listened carefully for a moment, and then walked across the street to a big cement planter where some shrubs were growing. He looked into the bushes, beneath the branches, and sure enough, he located a small cricket. His friend was utterly amazed.

"That's incredible," said his friend. "You must have super-human ears!"

"No," said the Native American. "My ears are no different from yours. It all depends on what you're listening for."

"But that can't be!" said the friend. "I could never hear a cricket in this noise."

"Yes, it's true," came the reply. "It depends on what is really important to you. Here, let me show you."

He reached into his pocket, pulled out a few coins, and discreetly dropped them on the sidewalk. And then, with the noise of the crowded street still blaring in their ears, they noticed every head within twenty feet turn and look to see if the money that tinkled on the pavement was theirs.

"See what I mean?" asked the Native American. "It all depends on what's important to you."

====================



Because I took a moment to speak And you took a second to smile A tiny part of me will leave with you And a little bit of you will stay

======================

. A Look At College Life

Even though I was an engineering student at the University of Maryland, chemistry was a required course in my day. The Professor, on the first day of class, asked everyone to name the most outstanding contribution chemistry had made to society. When my turn came, I answered, "Blondes!"

===================

In one class, the Professor asked anyone to explain how they would measure the height of a building using an Aneroid Barometer. One student, short of knowledge but long on ingenuity replied, "I would lower the barometer on a string and measure the string."

====================

The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet. She had been told the combination, but couldn't quite remember it. Finally she went to the pastor's study and asked for help. The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial. After the first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment. Finally he look serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently. Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final number, and opened the lock.

The teacher was amazed. "I'm in awe at your faith, pastor," she said. "It's really nothing," he answered.

"The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling."

===================

A young bride and groom to be had just selected the wedding ring. As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned.

"Tell me," she asked the elderly salesman, "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?"

With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day."

===================

I sat there waiting for my new doctor to make his way through the file that contained my very extensive medical history. After he finished all 17 pages, he looked at me and said,

"You look better in person than you do on paper."

================

"INSANITY IN THE WORKPLACE: A HOW TO GUIDE"

Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.

Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)

Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry. I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi."

Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

"Highlight" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.

While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."

Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.

Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.

Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."

Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

====================

A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortuneteller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.

"Ah....." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball.

"I see you are the father of two children."

"Hah, you fortune tellers are a sham," said the man scornfully. "I'm the father of *three* children."

The woman grinned and said, "That's what *you* think..."

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