= = = "At The Track" = = = WOODEN NICKEL

Charlie was a regular visitor at the racetrack. One afternoon he noticed an unusual sight. Right before the first race, a Catholic priest visited one of the horses in the stable area and gave it a blessing. Charlie watched the horse race very carefully, and sure enough the blessed horse came in first!

Charlie followed the priest before the next race, and again he went to the stables and performed a similar procedure. Charlie played hunch and put a couple of dollars on the blessed horse. Sure enough the blessed horse came in by two lengths and Charlie won close to fifty bucks!

The priest continued the same procedure through the next few races and Charlie won each time. He was now ahead $1000, so between races Charlie left the track and went to the bank and withdraw his life's savings $20,000.

The biggest race of the day was the last one. Charlie followed the priest and watched carefully which horse he blessed. He then went to the betting window and put his whole $21,000 bundle of cash on that horse to win. Then Charlie went out to watch the horses race. Down the stretch they came, and as they crossed the finish line, the horse Charlie's fortune was bet on was dead last!

Charlie was crushed. He located the priest and told him that he had been watching him bless the horses all day, and they all became winners except the last horse on which he had bet his life savings. Charlie then asked, "What happened to the last horse which you blessed? Why didn't it win like the others?"

"That's the trouble with you Protestants," sighed the priest.

"You can never tell the difference between a blessing and the Last Rites."

===================

Football

(1) What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs? .........Drool.

(2) What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room? .........A full set of teeth.

(3) How do you get a South Carolina cheerleader into your dorm room? .........Grease her hips and push.

(4) How do you get a Georgia graduate off your porch? .........Pay him for the pizza.

(5) How do you know if a Mississippi State football player has a girlfriend ? ........There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup

(6) Why is the Kentucky football team like a possum? .........Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

(7) What are the longest three years of an Auburn football player's life? .........His freshman year.

(8) How many Florida freshmen does it take to change a light bulb? .........None. That's a sophomore course.

(9) Where was O. J. headed in the white Bronco? ........Baton Rouge, Louisiana. He knew that the police would never look at LSU for a Heisman Trophy winner.

AND FINALLY (drum roll and cymbal crash.....)

(10) Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color? .........You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.

================

Elections officials here in California are concerned that having 247 candidates would require a ballot so long it would be difficult to count. Today in Florida they said, "What? You count the ballots?" (Jay Leno)

=======================

What's the difference between a joke and a wise-crack? If a woman has a dozen children-that's a joke. But, if she has no children-that's a wise crack.

=====================

It's good sportsmanship not to pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. Mark Twain

=======================

Things you wish you could say at work

1. Ahhh...I see the MESS-up fairy has visited us again...

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of crap.

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a daRn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. I'm sorry, you must be mistaking me for someone who cares.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. No, my powers can only be used for good.

24. You sound reasonable. Time to up the medication.

25. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?

26. Do I look like a people person?

27. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

28. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

29. You!...Off my planet!

30. Does your train of thought have a caboose?

31. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

32. A PBS mind in an MTV world.

33. Allow me to introduce my selves.

34. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

35. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

36. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

37. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

38. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

39. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

40. Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?

41. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

42. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

43. Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.

44. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

45. I thought I wanted a career; turns out, I just wanted the paycheck.

===================

A husband and his wife advertised for a live-in maid to cook and do the housework. They hired a most comely young woman for the job. he worked out fine, was a good cook, was polite, and kept the house neat, and also kept the gentleman of the household most satisfied indeed!.

One day, after about six months, she came in and said she would have to quit. "But why?" asked the disappointed wife.

She hemmed and hawed and said she didn't want to say, but the wife was persistent, so finally she said, "Well, I'm pregnant."

The wife said, "Look, we don't want to lose you. I am not able to have children and my husband and I would dearly love children, so we'll adopt your baby if you will stay." She talked to her husband and of course he readily agreed, and the maid said she would stay. The baby came, they adopted it, and all went well.

After several months though, the maid came in again and said that she would have to quit. The wife questioned her, found out that she was pregnant again, talked to her husband, and offered to adopt the baby if she would stay. She agreed, had the baby, they adopted it, and life went on as usual.

In a few months, however, she again said she would have to leave. Same thing. She was pregnant. They made the same offer, she agreed, and they adopted the third baby. She worked for another two months, but then said, " I am definitely leaving this time."

"Don't tell me you're pregnant again?" asked the lady of the house.

"No," she said, "there are just too many kids here to pick up after!"

=================

(David Jones is an exclusive Aussie Department store)

This guy walks into a bar with this really great shirt on. The bartender says, "Where'd you get the great shirt mate?"

The man replies, "David Jones."

This 2nd guy walks into the bar with really good pants on and the bartender says "Where'd you get the great pants mate?"

The man replies, " David Jones."

This 3rd guy walks into the bar with really great shoes and sock on. The bartender says, "Where'd you get the great shoes and socks mate?"

The man replies, "David Jones."

Then this 4th guy runs in stark naked and the bartender goes, "Hey! Wait a minute! Who the heck do you think you are, mate?"

The naked guy sneers and says, "Who the heCK do you think? - I'm David Jones!"

=====================

You Might Be A Drunk If

You wake up drssed as a woman and think, "hey, I look alright.!"

You walk into the house saying "Home Honey, I'm High"

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You wake up in the bedroom fully clothed, except for your underwear, which you strangly find in the bathroom.

You go into any bar in town and they have a bar stool with you name engraved on the back.

Every night, your roommate's cat gets more and more attractive.

You think beer is the elusive 6th food group.

Your only conversations with God are over a commode pleading "just help me stop puking and I'll NEVER drink again!"

You're as jober as a sudge.

You throw a rock at the ground and miss.

You can trip over a cordless phone.

You get out of bed and miss the floor.

You think that the floor always slants when you stand up.

You think that the way to prononce your name actually involves a blech.

You think your dinner is made out of the bloody mary vegtables.

You wake up in the morning and can't figure out how you got home, and then realize that you are not at home.

Your slogan is "Save Water, Drink Beer".

The yellow couch you've been lying on turns out to be the curb.

People didn't know you drank till you sobered up once

You keep trying to order a bouble durban

You try to change a light bulb by holding onto it and letting the room spin

Doctors find traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

You have to grab onto your lawn to keep from falling off the world.

You have so much trouble aiming that you hit the other objects in the bathroom more than the toilet...especially the ceiling.

There is only one very large woman in the bar, and she just happens to be the woman of your dreams.

Your bed is flying through your bedroom and you have to wait for it to pass so you can jump in.

How come everyone out there is nodding their heads???

You bark at the cat.

You crash on the bed, get up three hours later--take a long walk to the "bathroom" and later suspect that the dog has relieved himself in your room.

You think the TV is a urinal.

Show all stories by   Author:  27583 ( Click here )