= = = ADVICE TO MEN = = = WOODEN NICKEL

ADVICE TO MEN

The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet bowl.

If we're watching football with you, it's not bonding. We're watching because of the cute butts.

Please don't drive when you're not driving.

Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.

Our bedtime headaches are inversely proportional to the number of baths that you take.

If only women gossip, how do you and your buddies keep track of "Who's easy?"

Stop telling us that most male strippers are gay: WE DON'T CARE!

Your contributions to your child should go above and beyond that chromosome you unselfishly sacrificed.

Eye contact is best established above our shoulder level.

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When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!

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It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

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During the war, a British pilot was shot down while on a bombing mission over Germany. He sustained terrible injuries when he crashlanded, but he was pulled unconscious from his plane and taken to a German military hospital to recover. When he regained consciousness a few days later, a kindly German doctor was at his bedside.

"Major Howe," said the doctor, "The injuries that you received when your plane crashed are most severe. Both of your legs and both of your arms have extensive damage. In fact, your right leg has been crushed so badly, we have to amputate it immediately. I realize how terrible this must make you feel. I am a doctor first, and a German second. If I can do anything to comfort you, please don't hesitate to ask."

"Well Doctor," replied Major Howe, "There is something that you can do for me. Can you give my amputated leg to the Luftwaffe and ask them to drop it over England during their next bombing mission. I sure would feel better if my leg wound up in good old England." "I see no problem with that," said the doctor. "Consider it done."

So after the operation, the doctor gave the amputated leg to a German officer with instructions to drop it over England. Unfortunately, two days later the doctor had to give Major Howe some more bad news. "Major Howe," said the doctor. "I'm afraid that gangrene has set in on your left leg, and it too must be amputated. Any requests?" "Yes," he replied. "Could you drop that leg over England also?"

"Ya," said the doctor, and after the operation, he gave the Brit's leg to the same German officer and asked him to dispose of it as before. One week later, the doctor had still more bad news for the Major. "Major Howe," said the doctor, "We have done everything in our power to save your two arms, but I'm afraid that gangrene has set in on both of them and we must amputate immediately. Can I assume that ..."

"Yes," interrupted the Major, "If you would be so kind, old boy, please see that both of my arms are dropped over good old England."

The doctor promised to take care of his request and he again asked the same German officer to drop the amputated limbs over England. This time, however, the officer became perturbed and insisted on speaking with the British pilot.

"So," said the German officer, "You are the pilot who wanted his right leg dropped over England?" "Yes," replied Major Howe. "That is jolly well correct."

"Hmmmm. And then you wanted your left leg dropped over England?" "Yes," replied the Major. "That is correct as well." "And now you say you want both of your arms dropped over England?"

"Correct again," replied the Major. "Hmmmm, very interesting," mused the suspicious German officer. "Tell me something Major, you're not..trying to escape, are you?"

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