= = = what did Satan get back= == WOODEN NICKEL

Q:After the flash on his camera malfunctioned, what did Satan get back from the drugstore? A:Prints of darkness!

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"And always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, 'A truck!'

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Matt went into Doc Steven's office for his annual checkup, and the Doc asked if there was anything unusual he should know about. That left it pretty wide open, so he told the Doc that he found it real strange how his suit must have shrunk just sitting in his closet because it didn't fit when he went to get ready for a wedding recently. The Doc said, "Suits don't shrink just sittin' there. You probably just put on a few pounds, Matt." "That's just it, Doc, I know I haven't gained a single pound since the last time I wore it." "Well, then," said Doc, "You must have a case of Furniture Disease." "What in the world is Furniture Disease?" "Furniture Disease is when you reach that stage in life when your chest starts sliding down into your drawers."

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Q. Why aren't there any Jewish mothers on parole boards?

A. They'd never let anyone finish a sentence.

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The traffic cop stopped the woman for a minor traffic violation. After examining her driver's license in silence for a moment he said, "You know something, this is one of the finest, most realistic pictures I've ever seen. I'm glad to see you aren't one of those vain women who have their photos retouched to remove all the lines in their face," "Sir," she replied icily, "you are looking at my thumb-print."

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Spells that Work!

Spell to Get Measles 1. Find someone who has measles. 2. Lick them.

Spell to Turn Day Into Night 1) Stand facing a large tree or wall. 2) Close eyes tightly. 3) Keeping eyes closed, run straight ahead as fast as you can.

Spell to Breathe Under-Water 1) Attach concrete block to your feet. 2) Jump into water. 3) Breathe normally and sing the tune to "Flipper". 4) Takes about 5 minutes for lungs to adjust.

Spell to Commune With Pink Elephants 1) Pour glass of vodka or alcoholic drink of choice. 2) Drink. 3) Repeat steps 1-3.

Spell to Attract Lightning 1) Cover yourself in metal: jewellery, chains, golf clubs, nails, nuts & bolts, hub-caps. Etc. 2) Go out into a thunderstorm and hold a long TV antenna high in the air. 3) Wait.

Spell to Stop a Runny Nose 1. Get two cotton balls. 2. Shove one up each nostril. 3. Tape them there.

Spell to Make a Person fall in Love with You 1. Call person at least thirty times a day. 2. Park outside their house and shut your headlights off. 3. Leave sweet tokens on doorstep (i.e.-roses without petals, a nice headless Barbie doll...). 4. Follow them everywhere they go... careful, they'll try to lose you! 5. Don't worry if they get that silly restraining order, that means the spell is working!

Spell to Make Your Computer Fast 1. Open Window. 2. Throw Computer out window. (If the computer hit ground really fast, the spell worked.)

Spell to Save on Gas 1. Cut holes in floorboards of car. 2. Remove shoes. 3. While still seated, pedal feet really fast. 4. Scream "Yabba Dabba Do!" Optional: Invite passengers to join in the fun!

A Spell to Go to the Bathroom 1) Drink so much water that you think you will burst. 2) Drink another glass anyway. 3) Wait ten minutes, then guzzle a can of Pepsi. 4) Repeat step 3 as often as desired to increase the spell's effect.

Alternate Spell to Go to the Bathroom 1. Eat a bushel of prunes. 2. Take a dose of Exlax. 3. Wait. Stay close to the bathroom!

WARNING: Spells are not guaranteed. Use at your own risk.

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A Chicago lawyer went duck hunting in rural Indiana. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Indiana. We settle small disagreements like this with the Hoosier "Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Hoosier Three Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn."

[I love this part....]



The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck.

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Little Johnny said to Suzi, "We're going to have a GREAT time Saturday. I've gotten three tickets for the big game."

"Why do we need three?" asked Suzi.

Little Johnny gave her an evil grin and said, "They're for your Father, Mother and kid sister!"

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