Well first off let me inform you guys that I have a very low self esteem. Why, I'm not sure. I've had a pretty good life and when I think about everything overall, I think I'm pretty lucky. I have a nice family, and my fiance is pretty good to me.
Well, when my fiance was my boyfriend,, he was a nice guy, but he had his problems. He had a tendency to lie to me a bit. (he always told me he blamed this on his mother, because of how she constantly nagged him and asked him where he was, where he was going and what he was doing, and not letting him do the most harmless things like go to a football game with friends.). I believe his reasons for why he would have the instinct to lie because I've witnessed his mother in action, and I personally think she is a little schitzo. Many of his friends have told him how crazy his mother is.
Well anyway back to the point. My boyfriend never cheated on me, but he had flirted before and told some lies before to his friends about how he had other girlfriends other than me (I know he didn't though just due to the fact that he was always at my house almost 24/7, he just wanted to sound like a cool guy to his guy friends, since they all had stories for him).
I guess alot of people have had problems with their partners, and have been able to get over it. But I can't. I sometimes end up thinking about times when he had lied, or he had said things that hurt me.
Things were better than ever between us, and has been for months now.. but sometimes I bring up old past things to him, because I have fears of these things happening again. To most, these things seem like little things I suppose.. he has given me logical reasons for every lie he has told, billions of times and never changed his story. He gets tired of me bringing it up at times but I think it's just because I don't have a high opinion of myself. If I liked myself I wouldn't let those little white lies he had told in the past bug me almost 2 and 3 years later.
He promised me he'd never do that again anyway, he told me things would be alot different since he proposed to me. He said one thing his father taught him was when you decide on who you want to marry you want only that person and forever. He has told me this stuff repeatedly, and he has said and done NICE things to me and for me much more than he's been a goofball. So I really wondered, is there anyway to have a higher opinion of myself? I feel like I've tried everything lol. I always feel like I am not good enough for him, so naturally he'll want someone else. I've been that way with other people as well, and I just don't understand what it is. I've never been put down my whole life, all I ever got was compliments from my friends, family, teachers, etc. I don't know how this low self esteem got a hold of me even though everything has been great.
My fiance understands that most of my outbursts are due to my low self esteem, but if I was him I'd get tired of it after a while LOL. So I just want to be better, but /shrug.. I suppose it's just something I am going to have to try hard to change in my mind. I feel like I can't trust him, even though I think that I CAN. He's never done wrong by me, just been silly and stupid at times when maybe he was unhappy with me and wanted to get a rise out of me, etc. Plus these are things that happned so long ago, things that happened when it was so early on into our relationship.. it's going on 4 years now and it's been pretty good. ah well. I'm not sure what advice I really want, I guess I just wanted to vent a little. I'm starting to get really annoyed with myself. =(
Mercedes You can join Unsolved Mysteries and post your own mysteries or
interesting stories for the world to read and respond to Click hereScroll all the way down to read replies.Show all stories by Author:  54174 ( Click here )
Halloween is Right around the corner.. .
|
Take care, 
