= = = "Girl on the Beach" = = = WOODEN NICKEL

"Girl on the Beach"

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a nice looking girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them.

Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"

He hadn't and said so. Then she said "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.

The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. "Well,? Is she selling drugs?" she asked, excitement pouring out with her voice. "No, she's not." he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. "Well,? What is it, then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesman."

"A battery salesman?" cried the wife.

Are you ready?

Wait for it! Don't get overly anxious! Here it comes!

"Yes," he replied, "She sells 'C' cells by the sea shore!"

=====================

. Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

A man who smelled like a distillery, flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"It's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man!"

"Well, I'll be daRned...!" the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father, I was just reading here that the Pope does."

======================

One day a co-worker told my friend, Stan, that she was going home early because she didn't feel well. Since Stan was just getting over something himself, he wished her well and said he hoped it wasn't something he had given her.

A fellow worker piped up, "I sure hope not. She has morning sickness."

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NOT THE BEST PICK-UP LINES

- Your sister's a real knock-out. Is one of you adopted?

- When we get back to my apartment, whatever you do, don't tease the pony.

- You know, if my wife wasn't so hung up on this faithfulness thing, she'd probably say you were my cutest girlfriend yet.

- I had to break up with my last girlfriend. She welded a coat-hanger to the metal plate in my head and was using it as antenna to read my thoughts.

- No, really, I read Playboy for the articles.

- Who can blame Woody Allen?

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He's a real pain in the neck; of course, some people have a lower opinion of him.

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A miser is hard to live with, but makes a fine ancestor.

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He who dies with the most of anything, is still dead.

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Faint hearts never win in love nor sell life insurance.

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A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in for coronary surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," the nun said while patting his hand. "We do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?" "No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely. "Can you pay in cash?" "I'm afraid I can't, Sister." "Do you have any close relatives, then?" "Just my sister in New Mexico," the patient replied. "But she's a spinster nun." "Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the nun replied. "They are married to God." "Okay," the man said with a smile. "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."

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