Problems at home

please don't delete this...edit it if you have to...put please don't delete it.

ok Helen is my stepmom. this is an email I sent to my friend just a few minutes ago. Heather is my sister and Ashley is the girl I sent it to. edited for language.

ok you know how I came home and there was some dirty stuff up on my computer and stuff. Well apparently Helen came in and checked up on what *I* was doing. You know spyware right? programs that run behind other programs. Well you know toolbars on IE and how they can install themselves and bookmark pages and change your homepage without you doing it and stuff....there were alot of adult bookmarks under my favorites and Helen saw that and stuff. She's implying that I put them there....I mean if I was looking at that stuff why would I bookmark it? I tried to tell them how they install themselves and they keep saying that I have to be going to some kind of site enough that they are putting themselves up there. Helen is like "I know enough to know that they don't do that" she doesn't know crap. I am the computer genius here. Just because she works at a computer at work doesn't make her an Einstein. But they won't believe me. They say if I knew they were up there why didn't I go and delete them. I don't use IE...I use MSN and spyware doesn't work on msn. So nonetheless I am grounded....my cable is coming out until they feel I deserve it again. And if that isn't bad enough, I am supposed to go straight to school and back home, I can't pick you guys up. I mean I am so mad right now that I am crying. I so bad want to lash out at somebody. I want to move in with my grandparents but I know they wouldn't let me. I truly hate Helen. And I hate what she's turned my father into. why is it that I can see the Helen behind the mask but he cannot. Last night when I asked him about could you stay, we got into one of those talks where I am the guilty party or what not. He said that I was headed down the wrong path because of the people I hang out with. He said that he didn't need the strain of that on his life. I AM HIS * DAUGHTER. I should be more important to him than life itself. He said that he has grilled heather enough that it had rubbed off on her. WHAT BULL. Heather gots some dirty little secrets hiding in her closet. He says that he hates it that I would rather do things for other people and their family than my own....he is one to talk HE DOESN'T EVEN SEE HIS FAMILY. He only sees Helen's family. He shuns his own family. Just now he says that Helen probably thinks more of me than my own mom. I hate him for saying that. I don't want to live here anymore. I shun THIS family. No one understands me. I wish my mom lived in Kinston...they couldn't stop me if I moved in with her....no one has custody of me...I just be you know. If they would let me I would move in with my grandparents. At one time I remember thinking how I wished they were my parents. Even today at my grandparents we were talking how Helen's "refined taste" has rubbed off on daddy. I so wish I could say these things to their face but I would never get it out without crying. He's so blinded by his "love" that he doesn't even care about the rest of his family. He says that he likes you and all but he can see that you have problems. WHAT THE *!!! You are the only normal person I know. They just don't understand that for once in my life I feel like I belong. I like how I am when I am around you Ashley....they don't even know you and they judge you by what they see. All they see are piercings and that you came from a broken home...he says he can tell that your granny has problems with you. I stood up for my dad once when he and my mother were fighting. I hate to say it but I wish he had never met Helen...even if it means that he wouldn't be happy now, but crap...what about our happiness. I want to run away. I mean I don't give a crap about the computer. I just want my daddy back. I just want to cry. I want my mom. My uncle Jeff....you knwo what he said today....I want my brother back. right now I would take any life but this one. I want to throw something so bad. I want to hit helen. I want to run her over. I think I would find joy in hearing her bones crack. You know what I have found myself thinking....I wish that truck had hit me. I wish I was in intensive care right now, fighting for my life just so that it would put a strain on his perfect * life. At least then he might know where his priorties are. or I would know where they aren't. I think I am just rambling now. I am going to go ahead and let you read this.



so nonetheless I won't be here for a while most likely...if I haven't killed myself.

I'm not really asking for advice...just feeback....I didn't know where else this would be appropriate.

my family is in shambles and my home is a wreck my minds going in rambles so many errors that I forgot to check maybe this is my fate this never ending doom for me to escape it, it is too late this life is my tomb

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