= = = The next generation of computers = = = wooden nickel

The next generation of computers will have a "Warranty Expired" interrupt.

The Queue Principle: The longer you wait in line, the greater the likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line.

The reason computer chips are so small is that computers don't eat much. There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works.

THINK--it gives you something to do while the computer is down.

This message transmitted on 100% recycled electrons.

This score just in: OS/2, Windows 95.

Those who can, do. Those who cannot, teach. Those who cannot teach, HACK!

To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

Volume in Drive C: TOO_LOUD!

We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.

Who is General Failure & why's he reading my disk?

Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename"?

Will the last one to die please turn off the computer?

You know you're in trouble when your computer has more memory than you do.

You never finish a program, you just stop working on it.

I am Bill Gates of Borg. You will be assimilated. Resistance is fut - GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT in BORG.EXE-

Sea Girl in Night Yowls

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Every Friday afternoon, a mathematician goes down to the bar, sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat, which is empty, and asks a girl who isn't there if he can buy her a drink. The bartender, who is used to weird university types, always shrugs but keeps quiet. But when Valentine's Day arrives, and the mathematician makes a particularly heart-wrenching plea into empty space, curiosity gets the better of the bartender, and he says, "I apologize for my stupid questions, but surely you know there is NEVER a woman sitting in that last stool. Why do you persist in asking out empty space?" The mathematician replies, "Well, according to quantum physics, empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles come into existence and vanish all the time. You never know when the proper wave function will collapse and a girl might suddenly appear there." The bartender raises his eyebrows. "Really? Interesting. But couldn't you just ask one of the girls who comes here every Friday if you could buy HER a drink? Never know --she might say yes." The mathematician laughs. "Yeah, right -- how likely is THAT to happen?"

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It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid." The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."

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Who says men don't have a sensitive side?: A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly Teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of Teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive. And, while she decides not to mention it to him, she actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. She turns to him ... they kiss ... . After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together, basking in the afterglow, he woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"" The guy says.............. "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

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Youth looks ahead, old age looks back, and middle age looks tired.

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Why do men get married? So they don't have to hold their stomachs in anymore.

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THE FOLLOWING ARE ALLEGEDLY REAL STATEMENTS MADE DURING COURT CASES:

Judge: I know you,...... don't I? Defendant: Uh, .........yes. Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you? Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you? Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me. Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie. ----------------------------------------------------

From a defendant representing himself . . . Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I allegedly stole your purse? Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse. Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance. ---------------------------------------------------- Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant? Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens. ----------------------------------------------------

Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys? Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth. Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution. Juror: That's not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth, too. ----------------------------------------------------

Lawyer questioning his client on the witness stand: Plaintiff's Lawyer: What doctor treated you for the injuries you sustained while at work? Plaintiff: Dr. J. Plaintiff's Lawyer: And what kind of physician is Dr. J? Plaintiff: Well, I'm not sure, but I remember that you said he was a good plaintiff's doctor. ----------------------------------------------------

Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case? Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long. Judge: Can't they do without you at work? Juror: Yes, .....but I don't want them to know it. ----------------------------------------------------

Lawyer: Tell us about the fight. Witness: I didn't see no fight. Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see. Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men swung around and changed partners, they would slap each other, and one fellow hit harder than the other one liked, and so the other one hit back and somebody pulled a knife and a rifle that had been hidden under a bed, and the air was filled with yelling and smoke and bullets. Lawyer: You, too were shot in the fracas? Witness: No sir, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel. ---------------------------------------------------- Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer. Judge: And why is that? Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case. Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have a comment on the defendant's motion? Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening. ----------------------------------------------------

Judge: Please identify yourself for the record. Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson. Judge: What does the 'Colonel' stand for? Defendant: Well, it's kinda like the 'Honorable' in front of your name - not a daRn thing. ----------------------------------------------------

Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness. Have you anything to say in your defense? Defendant: Habitual thirstiness? ----------------------------------------------------

Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I address the court? Judge: Of course. Defendant: If I called you a son of a GUN, what would you do? Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail. Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a GUN? Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against thinking. Defendant: In that case, I think you're a son of a GUN.

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