Date: 8/3/2003 11:26:00 AM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 28848
Hey Oswald thanks for the offer. I don't have yahoo right now. I'll be okay, eventually, I just needed to let go of some things.  |
Date: 8/3/2003 11:34:00 AM
From Authorid: 18527
I have the opposite problem, my husband is OK but my family keeps accusing him of stuff he hasn't done...  |
Date: 8/3/2003 11:51:00 AM
From Authorid: 38119
I grew up with an alcholic father. He was never around, and when he was around he was either sleeping it off or drunk. My mother stayed with him for twenty years before she finally had enough--it was after he tried to stab her with a kitchen knife. He's already shown that you and or your children aren't important enough for him to quit. I think you should divorce him.  |
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Date: 8/3/2003 11:53:00 AM
From Authorid: 38119
I meant 'alcoholic.' |
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Date: 8/3/2003 11:57:00 AM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 28848
I want to divorce him. I feel like I have to, if I ever want me or the kids to actually have something. I guess it has all just been a big shock, because I didn't realize how bad off he is getting. Everytime I confront him about it, he tells me that it's the last time, that he wants to change. I just feel like screaming in his face. |
Date: 8/3/2003 12:00:00 PM
From Authorid: 46527
It sounds very much as if he is ill, alcoholism is a disease of the mind, it will cause the types of behaviour that you mention in your post. Until HE wants to change and give up drinking there is little that you can do either to help yourself within the relationship or to help him. Have you tried talking to him rationally and calmly when he hasn't been drinking? Whether he loves his children or not will usually have little effect on the behaviour of an alcoholic, in fact he may well love you all very much. I am sure this is not really what you want to hear right now, I just know that I spent 15 years watching my dearest cousin in a relationship with an alcoholic husband, unfortunately for him the want to abstain was never strong enough, he thought it was and he fought and fought against the alcoholism, but eventually he died, he was only 30 years old, they had been childhood sweethearts and it was dreadful to watch. The 3 children of the relationship often went without because of his problem, but in his case the alcoholism was stronger than he was. I think you should talk to your husband before making any life changing descisions, maybe he does not realise the extent of his own problem.  |
Date: 8/3/2003 12:01:00 PM
From Authorid: 16671
There is no reason that if he wants a few beers after work that he couldnt come home with even a dang case of beer, which only cost about 15 bucks and its a sight cheaper than going to the bar and spending that kind of money. Plus it should last him several days. If I were you I would tell him, to knock it off at the bar, learn to drink when he does drink, at home. Personally if the man doesnt give you and the kids enough respect to make sure the needs are met BEFORE he buys beer, I would leave him, get a place of my own and go after him for child support, they will attach his wages. I wish I could say something to help you but in the long run its a choice your going to have to make. You could always take a LOT of the money out of the bank when he deposties his check and keep it for the bills and food.  |
Date: 8/3/2003 12:02:00 PM
From Authorid: 49037
Oh do I understand how you feel... My husband and I are having money problems, we always are behind with our bills, and I have no idea where our money goes. Well, except for the fact that my husband always wants to go out, and he ends up spending way too much money on drinks. Many times, I'll feel too guilty to say I need things like hair conditioner or things like that, that I could easily get for a few dollars, but then he goes and spends $30 or so on a couple drinks. Believe me, I know $80 is alot! I am always worrying about having enough $ for food and gas and things like that, and with a baby on the way (in like a month!) I worry all the time about money. My husband tells me it will be fine, but when I think about it, I feel sick. Oh, and my husband doesn't drink all the time, but when he does, we always end up fighting, and he NEVER remembers all the crap he does to me when he's drunk. Then he wakes up the next morning and has no idea why I'm upset and angry with him! Well, I guess I needed to vent, too. If you need to talk about this more, feel free to msg me.  |
Date: 8/3/2003 12:04:00 PM
From Authorid: 53900
I feel really bad for you right now I know you said you are not doing it for sympathy but I know exactly what you are going through. When I was growing up my parents were always behind on their bills we rarely had food in the house and my parent salways had beer and wine coolers and they were constantly buying lotto and lottery tickets and going to play bingo and they would play bingo two or three times a week and spend about 75 dollars a night playing bingo. They did win occasionally but they lost more then they won. I would say you should do what is best for you and your kids though. Maybe it would snap some sense into him and he could try to regain your trust and work to put the family back together and if not then you would be able to do what is best for you and your kids. I am not in the best relationship right now though so I cant really tell you what to do with yours...but I do feel really bad ythat you have to go through all this  |
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Date: 8/3/2003 12:09:00 PM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 28848
Red, it's a totally different story when he's not drinking. He is a totally different person. But I can't live with the broken promisses and lies any more. It's just not enough. |
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Date: 8/3/2003 12:10:00 PM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 28848
FB he has never allowed me to have access to any bank accounts, check, or credit cards, nor does he ever give me any money. I've been asking him for weeks just to buy me a ten dollar pair of sandals... |
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Date: 8/3/2003 12:12:00 PM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 28848
Thanks Jessica, I totally understand where you're coming from. And that's my point exactly, I can't just sit by and let him destroy our lives. I refuse to have my kids brought up the way that he is treating us. |
Date: 8/3/2003 12:13:00 PM
From Authorid: 53052
have you talked to him about a better way to handle the finacials?? as in the day his check comes in the bills are paid right then and money is put aside(maybe even a seperate account) for food? have you tried to tell him and get signed up for AA meetings?? becuase he sounds like has has a serious problem with addiction... i hate seeing people go through this....  |
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Date: 8/3/2003 12:18:00 PM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 28848
Midnightly, he thinks that he is the boss of everything and no one can tell him what to do. I have talked so much about the finances it's not even funny, usually it ends up with him cussing me out. and I have told him that he needs help over and over again. He thinks it's a joke. He has a fried that has problems with alcohol and his friend asked him if he would go to some meeting with him and he (my husband) talked his friend out of going. |
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Date: 8/3/2003 12:20:00 PM
From Authorid: 53052
i'm sitting here thinking.... there might be more to going to the bar then just the alcohol issue..... |
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Date: 8/3/2003 12:23:00 PM
From Authorid: 53052
i hate suggesting people to walk away from thier marriage but it seems like there is nothing left to save here and it's doing the children more harm then good to be with him.... and maybe you walking for a seperation might just be what he needs to get his butt outta the bar |
Date: 8/3/2003 12:24:00 PM
From Authorid: 54987
Release Me thankyou for sharing these intimate facts of your life. We'll all have plenty of advice for you on how to deal with this. However, it's not easy to take advice because the advice may be something that you're not willing to face up to. I'm not going to say I feel sorry for you. I'm going to say that I have compassion for you. My only advice is to sit down and really talk to yourself about where you're at and where you really want to be. Be totally honest with yourself as to why you are here. I don't mean for the kids... I mean why you are still here. If you have reached that moment when enough is enough (if it's not now, it will come), then think about ways you can help the transition. Is there family or friends who can help you get on your feet? If you are not ready to do this... that's OK. Just remember it for the future. But remember that it's YOUR decision for you and your children. You have the poser to change the situation. I wish you strength to get through this. Hugs.  |
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Date: 8/3/2003 12:26:00 PM
From Authorid: 54987
power not poser |
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Date: 8/3/2003 12:32:00 PM
From Authorid: 46527
Well it very much looks as if he is not ready to change his ways, I feel in this case your duty and loyalty HAS to be to your children... |
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Date: 8/3/2003 12:34:00 PM
From Authorid: 16671
He doesnt give you any money? Sorry hon, I think I would have left him a long time ago. Sit him down and talk to him about all of this and tell him if he doesnt change, that your out of there. Its hard to deal with something like this especially if you love someone, I mean the last thing a person wants to do is leave, but hon I just cant see how you have put up with this situation for as many years that you have. In the long run you and only you can change the situation. But I understand how one needs to vent and have people to talk to about this. What about getting a part time job so you can have your own money? I hate to even say that, but you need money for the kids and seeing as he isnt doing his job in taking care of matters, if you stay with him, you may have to do this. |
Date: 8/3/2003 1:07:00 PM
From Authorid: 53427
Release Me, I'm so sorry you're still having problems. we are both in similar situations. My husband is an alcoholic too although he doesn't want to admit it. I just hope things get better for you soon, with or without him.  |
Date: 8/3/2003 1:11:00 PM
From Authorid: 42568
... Would you be able to support yourself plus two kids financially without him? I'm not fully aware of your options at this point, so I can't help much. I'm here to talk to you if you need me… I’ll be on MSN messenger for another hour or so. Your husband sounds a lot like me. He is trying to cure his unhappiness with substance that only cures it temporarily. The real problem is seeded within and only talking that out with a professional and support from his family can help him. What does help a little at this point however would be realizing that his obsessive compulsion is not helping him but hurting him. The deeper he goes, the worse he’ll be in the future. Yes, it would be cheaper to drink at home but why do you think he goes there in the first place? I think it’s because he needs to get away from the problems he faces at home and enjoys a bar’s atmosphere. I’m sure it’s hard to understand his behavior… but he really is very normal.  |
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Date: 8/3/2003 1:43:00 PM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 28848
Thank you all for your support. I know I'm always here complaining about my problems, and I really appreciate you all for being here and putting up with me. It means a lot to me. |
Date: 8/3/2003 2:40:00 PM
From Authorid: 13824
I know how it is, since i saw my mom go through it. I personally think she is still going through it with her second husband but who know. I'm really not much of a help. like my mom always says, "a man like that you can find anywhere." Hey may act differently when he isn't drunk. But it's best you get away from him, before it get's worse. He seems to not care abou this children, or else he would have stopped. He probably doesn't know that he is having and effect on his children. I am no one to say anything though. i hope you work it out or do something before it gets out of hand.  |
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Date: 8/3/2003 2:42:00 PM
From Authorid: 46527
'Putting up with you'...LOL, you're one of the nicest USMers I know....huggsss |
Date: 8/3/2003 3:31:00 PM
From Authorid: 8278
i do not blame you for needing to vent. i have been in almost the same predicament with my husband years ago. i know how much it hurts to keep it bottled up inside. of course, my husband was only 19 at the time, but he went drinking in canada with his friends all the time and left me with a 6 month old baby and no formula or anything. it led to distrust, fighting, and threats of divorce. i was getting so tired of asking my family to help with diapers and stuff when i had a husband who was working full time. and he always said "i swear, it will never happen again". if i asked him to pick up diapers on the way home, he forgot, but he never forgot his plans to go out. eventually, we ended up separating and i landed in therapy  now we are back together and trying to work things out...but it is so hard! everytime he goes out, i wonder if he is really where he said he was going. but so far so good. maybe you and your husband need to try a little "separation time". maybe then he will realize how serious you are about this and how much he will miss you if you divorce him. maybe you can talk to him and see if he would agree to get help. it very well may be alcoholism. my husband went to AA and it really seemed to help him. i hope and pray things get better for you. i know how it is and i hate to see anyone else go through it. best of luck to you (((hugs)))  |
Date: 8/3/2003 4:05:00 PM
From Authorid: 11348
Your situation sounds exactly like the one my mom and dad were in before they divorced when I was two. In fact, it was the reason they got divorced. My dad was spending all the money they made at bars and despite both of them having good jobs, the electricity got turned off in our house and we had to move. My mom had no money for food and it got to the point where she never even saw my dad anymore because he would just crash somewhere from all the drinking, go to work and head to the bar again. Anyway, my mom thought of her two little children first and foremost and left my dad when my sister was only six days old. If you are unsure of whether or not you should divorce your husband, maybe a trial seperation would be a better solution. Think about your kids and what you honestly think would be best for them. Also, maybe if you left him for a while it would show him that you're serious and maybe he would step up and take some responsibility over the situation. I can tell you that my mom divorcing my dad was the best decision she could have made. Anyway I wish you the best of luck, I know it has to be hard.  |
Date: 8/3/2003 4:30:00 PM
From Authorid: 62095
Dont let him ruin your guys lives, this is very serious, it sounds like you really need to get out, it sounds like it is just getting worse and worse. You are a human being and a great one at that. you dont deserve to be treated like this, there is help in your area I am sure, if you dont have the money there is a place called Housing Authority that can get you into a decent place for you and your children. It is really easy and just let them know you need to get away from your husband. They can keep it confidential. you could get into there emergency housing in less than a month. if you dont have any income then you wouldnt have to pay for rent plus they would send you a check every month for your electricity. I know all this because I have done it. I have been living in a duplex for over a year now that has been provided by the Housing Authority. I dont know if this will be any help to you but I thought I would tell you.  |
Date: 8/3/2003 4:53:00 PM
From Authorid: 21294
I too have been there....done that and got out!!!
What ever you have to face by leaving him, can't be as bad as staying with him. God bless you and give you the strength to leave. DreamWalker  |
Date: 8/3/2003 5:01:00 PM
From Authorid: 16705
i know it's easier said than done but you need to get away from him or he will bring you down and then what's going to happen to you and the kids? his need for alcohol and whatever else he does with that money is more important than his wife and kids. all that money he makes he will have to support you and the kids if ya'll split up and the amount is derermined by the judge so if he makes $1,000.00 a week then the judge will get him. make him pay sweetie or you and your kids will be the one who suffers. don't let him win please. Hamb918  |
Date: 8/3/2003 5:02:00 PM
From Authorid: 58078
I'm going through major money problems right now also, so I know exactly what you are going through. I don't have children yet though thank god. Your husband really needs to get himself some help. He is an alchoholic and he needs to realize that. Have you approached him with any of it..that you checked the statements etc.? If he doesn't shape up soon, you will probaby have to leave for you and for the children. He should be thinking of those kids and feeding them not giving himself a liquid diet. Best of luck to you hon and if you ever EVER need to talk I'm here for you. *BIG HUGS to you*  |
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Date: 8/3/2003 5:04:00 PM
From Authorid: 58078
Reading some of these replys now, it feels so much better to see I'm not the only one going through these things. |
Date: 8/3/2003 5:12:00 PM
From Authorid: 33517
ReleaseeMe...I am here for you if you ever want to talk or just to vent...I know how hard this may be for you and your children..Love and **Big Canadian Hugs**  |
Date: 8/4/2003 6:34:00 PM
From Authorid: 48250
I agree with LSR...& I also feel..,Until he face his own issues, it is not going to get any better.. Personally, I couldn't live like that..I don't walk in Your shoes, so therefore I cannot say what You should do or not do., But., If You still Love him, then I would give him an ultimatium.. It's either the alcohol,OR Your & The Children...He Either Shape Up or You & The Children are Shipping Out For Good..Best Wishes to You, Sweetheart.....T/C...  |
