= = = Take all American women = = = WOODEN NICKEL

Take all American women who are within five years of menopause - train us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks, moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate, and canned tuna - drop us (parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of Afghanistan, and let us do what comes naturally.

Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even armed men in turbans tremble.

We've had our children, we would gladly suffer or die to protect them and their future. We'd like to get away from our husbands, if they haven't left already. And for those of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by lightning. We have nothing to lose.

We've survived the water diet, the protein diet, the carbohydrate diet, and the grapefruit diet in gyms and saunas across America and never lost a pound. We can easily survive months in the hostile terrain of Afghanistan with no food at all!

We've spent years tracking down our husbands or lovers in bars, hardware stores, or sporting events...finding bin Laden in some cave will be no problem.

We know every trick there is for how they hide, launder, or cover up bank accounts and money sources. We know how to find that money and we know how to seize it ... with or without the government's help!

Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new government? Oh, please ... we've planned the seating arrangements for in-laws and extended families at Thanksgiving dinners for years ... we understand tribal warfare.

Let us go and fight. The Taliban hates women. Imagine their terror as we crawl like ants with hot-flashes over their godforsaken terrain. I'm going to write my Congresswoman. You should, too!

==================

The boss at the pub went up to the bartender and asked,

"Have you been fooling around with the waitress?!"

"Oh no, sir, I sure haven't," replied the bartender.

The boss replied, "Good, then YOU fire her!"

====================

The Jackson police were searching for a man they suspected of a string of burglaries. They had six photographs of the man, all taken in different locations and from different angles. They sent fax copies of these pictures to police departments all over the country.

Several days later, Jackson received a fax report from the police chief in a small town in Nebraska. The memo read, "We immediately went to work on those six pictures you sent. We've arrested five of the suspects, and we have the sixth under observation right now."

====================

Q: What is the most common disease transmitted by Jewish Mothers?

A: Guilt.

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Old Abraham was a poor tailor whose shop was next door to a very upscale French restaurant. Every day at lunch time, Abraham would go out the back of his shop and eat his black bread and herring while smelling the wonderful odors coming from the restaurant's kitchen. But one day, Abraham was surprised to receive an invoice from the restaurant for 'enjoyment of food'. So he went to the restaurant to point out that he had not bought anything from them.

The manager said, "You're enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it."

Abraham refused to pay and the restaurant sued him.

At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case.

The manager said, "Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his. It is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it."

The judge turns to Abraham and said, "What do you have to say to that?"

Abraham didn't say anything but stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside.

The judge asked him, "What is the meaning of that?"

Abraham replied, "I'm paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money."

===========================

A young Jewish Mom walks her son to the school bus corner on his first day of kindergarten.

"Behave, my bubaleh" she says.

"Take good care of yourself and think about your Mother, tataleh!"

"And come right back home on the bus, schein kindaleh."

"Your Mommy loves you a lot, my ketsaleh!"

At the end of the school day the bus comes back and she runs to her son and hugs him.

"So what did my pupaleh learn on his first day of school?"

The boy answers, "I learned my name is Sammy."

====================

Howard came home from work one evening and there was his wife Miriam in the kitchen crying out loud.

"What's the matter, darling?" he asked her.

"I just don't know what to do," said Miriam. "Because we were eating in for a change, I cooked us a special dinner - but the dog has just eaten it."

"Don't worry," said Howard, "I'll get us another dog."

=====================

Morty and Sarah had just returned home from a party. Sarah said, "Do you realize what you did tonight, Morty?"

"No I don't," Morty replied, "But I'll admit I was wrong. What did I do?"

====================

Rabbi Bloom was getting quite a reputation for his sermons. His synagogue was always packed because his congregation didn't want to miss a single one of his words. One Sabbath, one member had to go to another synagogue to attend a nephew's bar mitzvah. Because he didn't want to miss the sermon, he asked one of his non-Jewish friends to go in his place and tape the Rabbi's sermon. In that way, he could listen to it when he got back.

When other members of the congregation saw what was going on, they too decided to ask their non-Jewish friends to go in their places to record the sermon. They could then do other things, such as play golf or go to football.

Within a short time, there were 100 gentiles sitting in the synagogue recording the Rabbi's sermon.

The Rabbi got wise to this. So the following Sabbath, he, too, asked a non-Jewish friend to attend on his behalf. His friend brought a tape recorder and played the Rabbi's pre-recorded sermon to the 100 non-Jews in the congregation who then recorded the sermon on their own machines.

This was believed to be the first incidence in history of "artificial insermonation."

======================

Q: How many Jewish husbands does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

A: We don't know - it's never happened.

======================

Q: What do you instantly know when you see a well-dressed Jewish husband?

A: His wife is good at choosing his clothes.

=========================

Moshe and Abe were partners in a very successful clothing factory. It had been in operation for many years and there wasn't much they didn't know about the shmatta business. One day, Moshe decided to take a trip to Rome.

As Abe had many catholic friends, he surprised Moshe by getting him an audience with none other than the Pope.

On Moshe's first day back at work after his Rome trip, Abe asked him, "So, Moshe, what kind of a man is the Pope?"

Moshe replied, "I would say he's a 44 regular."

======================

Q: What did the Jewish Mother ask her daughter when the daughter told her she had an affair?

A: Who catered it?

=====================

The following was overheard at a recent 'high society' party.

"My ancestry goes back all the way to Alexander the Great," said Christine.

She then turned to Miriam and asked, "How far back does your family go?"

"I don't know," replied Miriam, "All of our records were lost in the flood."

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Top 14 Jewish Country-Western Songs

1. "I Was One of the Chosen People ('Til She Chose Somebody Else)"

2. "Honky Tonk Nights on the Golan Heights"

3. "I've Got My Foot on the Glass, Where Are You?"

4. "My Rowdy Friend Elijah's Coming Over Tonight"

5. "New Bottle of Whiskey, Same Old Testament"

6. "Stand by Your Mensch"

7. "Eighteen Wheels and a Dozen Latkes"

8. "I Balanced Your Books, but You're Breakin' My Heart"

9. "My Darlin's a Schmendrick and I'm All Verklempt"

10. "That Shiksa Done Made off With My Heart Like a Goniff"

11. "The Second Time She Said 'Shalom,' I Knew It Meant Goodbye"

12. "You're the Lox My Bagel's Been Missin"

13. "You've Been Talkin' Hebrew in Your Sleep Since that Rabbi Came to Town"

14. "Mamas Don't Let Your Ungrateful Sons Grow Up to Be Cowboys" (When They Could Very Easily Have Just Taken Over the Family Hardware Business that My Own Grandfather Broke His Back to Start and My Father Built Up Over Years of Effort Which Apparently Doesn't Mean Anything Now That You're Turning Your Back on Such a Gift)"

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