I hurt my ghost :(…… Audria

Last night I had the most awesome experience. I’m not happy that I hurt my ghost (the one living with me-see earlier post). However, what I learned about it and me and our relationship was invaluable. If you read my previous posting, you’ll know that I was a little disturbed by the presence. I was having trouble accepting it because there were so many unknown variables. I just didn’t know enough about it. I didn’t really know if it was good. I just assumed that from the feelings I was having, but in the back of my mind I kept thinking, “What if it’s not good and my senses on this are wrong.”

Well, here’s what happened. Yesterday evening, I was putting dishes in the dishwasher and I decided to talk to our friend with a tape recorder (which didn’t work btw, there was too much noise going on in the background). It was getting late and I decided that I wasn’t going to have dinner fixed when we needed it and we decided to go out. While we were out, we started looking at other places to live. I got excited because I’ve been having such a hard time accepting the whole situation and I thought it would just be easier to get out. The more I read and talked about our friend, the more activity I saw, and I was afraid of where it would lead. So by the time we got home I was pretty stoked to move. My husband got online to check out one of the places we had looked at, and when we found out how inexpensive it was, I said very enthusiastically, “I’m there!” At that point, I remember emotionally abandoning our friend. I also realized something had changed in the mood of our friend, but I wasn’t sure what. As we continued checking places out, I heard a thud come from the kitchen area. I didn’t know what it was, but later I found out that it was our son’s flashlight being pushed off the kitchen counter. I started realizing that our friend was not happy. My husband didn’t hear it, and I didn’t know what to make of it at the time, so we continued.

Shortly, my husband went to the bathroom, and I could feel something going on with our friend. All of a sudden, we all heard a loud hum that can only be described as electric. It sounded like the hum of an electronic appliance magnified. I don’t remember much about the sound because at the same time, I felt this huge surge of sadness hit me. I didn’t know at the time which emotion it was. I was too flustered to tell if it was mad or sad or what, but I could tell that it was upset. I’ve always been empathic, but I didn’t realize what a huge role it had been playing in my relationship with the ghost until that moment. I ran into the bathroom where my husband and oldest son were to see if they were hearing it, too, and they did. I didn’t know what to make of what was going on and I was feeling very distraught, so I walked back to the living room and when I turned to look at the kitchen, I could see our friend going back and forth in the kitchen very fast. I could tell at that moment that our friend was very hurt by the idea of our leaving. Then my husband decided we would try to break our lease to move asap, and we started to go to bed. I could not even think about sleeping, and I called my mom to ask her for advice on fixing the situation with our friend. I didn’t know if we were in danger or what. She told me that I need to calmly reassure it that it was not going to be alone and not to mention us. I was anything but calm, so we all went for a trip in the truck. We drove around for hours talking and trying to find a hotel room, which we never found. It is pretty much impossible to find a hotel room on the spur of the moment, late at night this time of year in San Antonio.

We decided that we didn’t have the money to find a medium to help me fix the damage done by our carelessly loud planning, so we decided to go home and that I would have to fix the damage myself. I didn’t know how to do this and I cried all the way home. When we got home, I decided that I would treat it like a friend that I had hurt deeply with my insensitive actions. I cried and apologized over and over again. I was honest and told it that I didn’t know how to stop it’s hurting but that I really wanted to. I knew it was hurting because of my actions and I wanted to make it up somehow. I was so new to this whole situation (the feelings and senses I had been having since Monday) and I didn’t know how to handle myself. I could see it getting slower and slower, but I couldn’t seem to fully make up for my mistake and it wouldn’t stop. After about 30 mins. of this, I called my mom to see if she had any suggestions. She told me that I should give it a hug. Since it is a ghost, I was at a loss on exactly how to do that. She suggested that since it seems to like my reading to the kids, I could try reading to it. So I did. I explained that I didn’t know how to make it up to her, but I desperately wanted to, so I was going to read to her. That helped to the point that she slowed down to almost normal speed, but even now she is still disturbed and moving faster than normal back and forth in the kitchen. I got the impression that we are still friends, but that she is still hurt and sad because she knows we are leaving, which I’ve changed my mind on. Knowing what I now know, I’m ok living here. So here’s what I learned. I can trust my feelings about what she is feeling. They are real and reliable. She is not going to hurt us. If she were going to, she would have when I hurt her so badly. Our appt. has always been noisy. We just thought it was the pipes, but I think at least some of those are the happy sounds of our friend. (She's not making any sounds right now.) She likes us. If she didn’t she wouldn’t have cared so much when she found out we were leaving.

I feel much more comfortable in my skin now that I know what I know.