= = = My son had just turned 15 = = = WOODEN NICKEL

My son had just turned 15 when I finally decided to talk to him about sex. To ensure private time, I brought him on a ski trip and began our talk on the chair lift so he couldn't escape. "Do you know about girls and babies?" I asked. He nodded but cut me off. The next ride up the ski lift, I brought it up again, only to have him look away in silence. On the third lift, already knowing I had waited too long, I bluntly asked, "Son, would you like to talk about sex?" "DaRn, Dad," he responded, "is that all you ever think about?"

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"I am standing upon the seashore. A ship at my side spread her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength, and I stand and watch until at last she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come down to mingle with each other. Then someone at my side says, "There she goes!"

Gone where? Gone from my sight -- that is all. She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side and just as able to bear her load of living freight to the place of destination. Her diminished size is in me, not in her. And just at the moment when someone at my side says, 'There she goes!' There are other eyes watching her coming and other voices ready to take up the glad shout, 'Here she comes!'"

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Little Johnny was left to fix lunch. When his mother returned with a friend, she noticed that Johnny had already strained the tea. So the two women sipped their tea happily while having lunch and chit-chatted. Afterwards, when her friend had left, Little Johnny's mother talked to him. "Was it hard finding the tea strainer in the kitchen?" his mother asked. "Ma, I couldn't find it, so I used the fly swatter." replied Johnny. His mother nearly fainted, so Johnny hastily added, "Don't get excited, Ma, I used the old one!"

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Military Chips ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1945 - NCO's had a typewriter on their desks for doing daily reports. 1999 - everyone has an Internet access computer, and they wonder why no work is getting done.

1945 - if you got drunk off duty your buddies would take you back to the barracks to sleep it off. 1999 - if you get drunk they slap you in rehab and ruin your career.

1945 - you were taught to aim at your enemy and shoot him. 1999 - you spray 500 bullets into the brush, don't hit anything, and retreat because you're out of ammo.

1945 - canteens were made of steel, and you could heat coffee or hot chocolate in them. 1999 - canteens are made of plastic, you can't heat anything in them, and the water always taste like plastic.

1945 - officers were professional soldiers first and they commanded respect. 1999 - officers are politicians first and beg not to be given a wedgie.

1945 - if you didn't act right, the Sergeant Major put you in the brig until you straightened up. 1999 - if you don't act right, they start a paper trail that follows you forever.

1945 - medals were awarded to heroes who saved lives at the risk of their own. 1999 - medals are awarded to people who work at headquarters.

1945 - you slept in barracks like a soldier. 1999 - you sleep in a dormitory like a college kid.

1945 - you ate in a mess hall, which was free, and you could have all the food you wanted. 1999 - you eat in a dining facility, every slice of bread or pad of butter costs, and you better not take too much.

1945 - we defeated powerful countries like Germany and Japan. 1999 - we come up short against Iraq and Yugoslavia.

1945 - if you wanted to relax, you went to the rec. center, played pool, smoked, and drank beer. 1999 - you go to the community center and you can play pool.

1945 - if you wanted beer and conversation you went to the NCO or Officers' Club. 1999 - the beer will cost you $2.75, membership is forced, and someone is watching how much you drink.

1945 - the Exchange had bargains for soldiers who didn't make much money. 1999 - you can get better and cheaper merchandise at Walmart.

1945 - we could recognize the enemy by their Nazi helmets. 1999 - we are wearing helmets that look just like theirs.

1945 - victory was declared when the enemy was defeated and all his things were broken. 1999 - victory is declared when the enemy says he is sorry.

1945 - a commander would put his butt on the line to protect his people. 1999 - a commander will put his people on the line to protect his butt.

1945 - wars were planned and run by generals with lots of important victories. 1999 - wars are planned by politicians with lots of equivocating.

1945 - we were fighting for freedom, and the country was committed to winning. 1999 - we don't know what we're fighting for, and the government is committed to social programs (used to be called 'socialism'>.

1945 - all you could think about was getting out and becoming a civilian again. 1999 - all you can think about is getting out and becoming a civilian again.

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A fine funeral was ordered for a woman who had henpecked her husband, driven her kids half nuts, scrapped with the neighbors at the slightest opportunity, and even made neurotics of the cat and dog with her explosive temper. As the casket was lowered into the grave, a violent thunderstorm broke, and the pastor's benediction was drowned out by a blinding flash of lightning, followed by terrific thunder. "Well," commented one of the mourners, "sounds like she got where she was going."

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