New Employee Policies To Be Enforced Immediatley...by GRAYWOLF65

DRESS CODE:

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you're doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between you're right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS:

We will no longer accept a Doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you're able to go to the Dr you're able to come to work.

SURGERY:

Operations are now banned. As long as you're an employee here you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:

All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4, & Dec. 25.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:

This is no excuse for missing work. There's nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We'll be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.

ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH:

This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least 2 weeks notice as it is your duty to train your replacement.

RESTROOM USE:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00-8:20, all employees who start with 'B' will go from 8:20-8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time it will be necessary to wait intil the next day when your turn comes again. In extremem emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there's a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

LUNCH BREAK:

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast & take a diet pill.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We're here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.

HAVE A NICE WEEKEND...Management :-)

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