= = = "Big John Doesn't Pay!" = = = WOODEN NICKEL

"Big John Doesn't Pay!"

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops - a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.

At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.

Oh, did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it.

The next day the same thing happened - Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.

Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself.

So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, "And why not?!?"

With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass."

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. 8 Dumbest Questions Asked By Cruise Passengers

Does the crew sleep onboard?

What time is the midnight buffet?

Which elevator takes me to the front of the ship?

Do you generate your own electricity?

Is this island totally surrounded by water?

Is the water in the toilet salt or fresh?

What do you do with the ice carvings after they melt?

How high above sea level are we?

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An insurance salesman was getting nowhere in his efforts to sell a policy to a farmer. "Look at it this way." he said finally. "How would your wife carry on if you should die?"

"Well..." drawled the weather-beaten man, "I don't reckon that'd be any concern of mine -- long as she behaves herself while I'm alive."

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. Man discovered weapons, invented hunting. Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.

Man discovered colors, invented painting. Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.

Man discovered speech, invented conversation. Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.

Man discovered agriculture, invented food. Woman discovered food, invented diet.

Man discovered friendship, invented love. Woman discovered love, invented marriage.

Man discovered trade, invented money. Woman discovered money, and it was a complete mess after that.

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The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this!" he exclaimed. "I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the dress on sale. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'" "Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, "Get behind me, Satan!" "I did," replied his wife, "but then he said "It looks great from back here, too."

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A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution. He heard of a very good one in Sweden, and went to him. The new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said, "yes, I can put you right." After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel. The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells, "You swine, you gave me a woman's ears." "Well, an ear is an ear. It makes no difference whether it is a man's or a woman's." "You're wrong! I hear everything, but I don't understand a thing!"

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THOUGHTS TO LIVE BY

Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-o to a tree. Carsickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.

Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts.

Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

One day I shall burst my buds of calm and blossom into hysteria.

If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters and too young to borrow the family car.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day!

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The day finally arrives; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.

St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone.

The tests are short, but you have to pass them before you can get into Heaven. Forrest responds, "It shore is good to be here St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam.

Shore hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was." St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

Here is the First: What days of the week begin with the letter T? Second: How many seconds are there in a year? Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- how many days in the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow.

The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but... you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer."

How about the next one?" asks St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve." Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forest says "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... "Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too.

Let's go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"? "Sure" Forrest replied, "it's Andy." "Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated frustrated St. Peter.

"Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name of Andy as the first name of God?" "Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song.

"ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN...... St. Peter opened the gate and said: "Run, Forrest, Run"

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