= = Remember when eating out was a relaxing experience? = WOODEN NICKEL

Remember when eating out was a relaxing experience? Someone else cooked for you, served you and cleaned up after you. All you had to do was chew, swallow and pay. No longer, though. Today, you feel like a laboratory rat who has to struggle through a maze every time it wants a chunk of cheese:

"Good evening," the maitre d' said. "Table for four?" "Yes, Thank you." "Smoking or non?" "Non smoking." "Would you prefer to dine indoors or outdoors this evening?" "I guess indoors would be good." "Very well, sir," he said. "Would you like to be seated in the main dining room, the enclosed patio, or our lovely solarium?" "Uh, let me see...uh..." "I can give you a table with a lovely view in our lovely solarium." "I think the solarium would be lovely," I said. We followed him there... "Now, would you prefer a view overlooking the golf course, the sunset on the lake or the majestic mountains to the West?" "Whatever you recommend," I said.

Let HIM make a decision for a change, I thought. He sat us by a window facing the golf course, lake or mountains. I couldn't tell which because it was dark outside.

Then, a young man better dressed and better looking than any of us presented himself at our table... "Good evening, my name is Paul, and I'll be your waiter this evening. Would you like a few minutes before I take your order?"

"No," I said. "I'm just a meat-and-potatoes guy, so I'll have the filet mignon and a baked potato." "Soup, or salad?" "Salad."

"We have a mixed-green salad, hearts of palm, or a very fine endive salad with baby shrimp." "Just a mixed-green salad, okay?" "Whatever you say, sir. Dressing?" I didn't want to make another decision... "Whatever you've got will be fine."

"We have creamy Italian, Blue Cheese, Vinaigrette, Thousand Island, Honey Dijon and Ranch." "Just bring me one. Surprise me." "Creamy Italian is our house specialty. Would that be all right, sir?" "Yeah." I was curt. I was done with civility. "And for your baked potato?"

I knew what was coming! "I just want the baked potato dry, you understand? I don't want anything on it." "No butter? No sour cream?" "No." "No chives? No bacon chips ? " "No! Don't you understand English?" "I don't want anything on it. Just bring me a baked potato and a steak." "Would you prefer the six, eight, or 12-ounce steak, sir?" "Whatever." "Would you like that rare, medium rare, medium, medium well or well done? Or, if you prefer, we can butterfly it for you." "Pauly Boy," I said, "you are really starting to get me steamed." "Which brings up the vegetables, sir. Would you like steamed broccoli, creamed corn, sauteed zucchini, or diced carrots?"

That did it. I threw my napkin to the floor, stood up, put my face right in his arrogant kisser and said, "How'd you like to settle this outside?" "Fine with me, sir. Would you prefer the parking lot, the side alley or the street in front of the restaurant?" "I prefer right here."

Then I sucker-punched him: He ducked, then countered with a left hook right under my eye. It was the first time all night he hadn't offered me a selection. I collapsed semiconscious into my chair, as someone in authority rushed over and berated Pauly. I felt my tie being loosened, my collar unbuttoned, hands slapping my face.

When I regained my senses, I saw the very concerned maitre d' right in front of my nose. He apologized and offered to buy me a drink, call the paramedics, whatever I wanted.

"No, no," I said. "I'll be all right. Just bring me a glass of water." "Yes, sir, right away," he said. "Would you prefer imported mineral water, sparkling water, or club soda with a wedge of lime?

===================

Actual medical record bloopers!



She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Skin: Somewhat pale but present.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.



She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.



The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The patient has no past history of suicides.

The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant, with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.



She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in

separate directions in early December.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

She is numb from her toes down.

The skin was moist and dry.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

======================

In 1875 a Danish couple converted to became Mormons and moved to Cache Valley Utah. They set up a farm in Rural Providence, Utah, and were self sufficient for a couple of years. By the third year, the husband decided to take a second wife, as Mormons of the time did. His wife was not too keen on the idea, so he convinced a Swedish neighbor to help in a plan to convince her. "Let us go to the barn, and pray for guidance on this major decision", said the husband. Whatever God tells us, that's what we'll do". They went to the barn, got on their knees, and old farmer Madsen started with the usual openings to Mormon prayers. After a few minutes of this, he posed the question: "heavenly father, should I take another wife?" Farmer Olson was in the rafters, as previously arranged, and in the most booming, deep voice he could muster, said "Brother Madsen, I command thee to take another wife". After a moment, farmer Madsen looked over to his wife, and saw that she was sobbing uncontrollably. He put his arm around her, and said, "There there, a second wife will be an addition to the family, but she will never be a replacement for you. I'll still love you just as much." Mrs. Madsen said "I have no problem with you taking a second wife, I've been resigned to that for a year now. But in my worst nightmare, I NEVER imagined that God was a Swede!"

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