= =Can I leave the kids with you tonight? = = wooden nickel

"Hi Mom". Can I leave the kids with you tonight?

You're going out?

Yes.

With whom?

With a friend.

I don't know why you left your husband. He is such a good man.

I didn't leave him. He left me!

You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybody and nobody.

I do not go out with anybody.... Can I bring over the kids?

I never left you to go out with anybody except your father.

There are lots of things that you did and I don't.

What are you hinting at?

Nothing. I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight.

You're going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he finds out?

My EX- husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the day he left me, he probably never slept alone!

So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place?

He's not a loser.

A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and a parasite.

I don't want to argue... Should I bring over the kids or not?

Poor children with such a mother.

Such as what?

With no stability. No wonder your husband left you.

ENOUGH MOTHER !!

Don't scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too!

Now you're worried about the loser?

Ah, so you see he's a loser....I spotted him immediately.

Goodbye, mother.

Wait! Don't hang up! When are you bringing them over?

I'm not bringing them over!.... I'm not going out!

If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?

=======================

The blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye. The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor in disgust took a paper sack with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters. As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face.

"Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses."

"I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."

=====================

. "If Women Ruled the World..."

- Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.

- Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.

- PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.

- Men would get reputations for sleeping around.

- Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.

- A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he is breathing.

========================

Today, when I awoke, I suddenly realized that this is the best day of my life, ever! There were times when I wondered if I would make it to today... but I did! And because I did I'm going to celebrate!

Today, I'm going to celebrate what a great life I have had so far; the accomplishments, the many blessings, and, even the hardships, because they have served to make me stronger. I will go through this day with my head held high, and a happy heart. I will marvel at God's seemingly simple gifts: the morning dew, the sun, the clouds, the trees, the flowers, the birds. Today, none of these miraculous creations will escape my notice.

Today, I will share my excitement for life with other people. I'll make someone smile. I'll go out of my way to perform an unexpected act of kindness for someone I don't even know.

Today, I'll give a sincere compliment to someone who seems down. I'll tell a child how special he is, and I'll tell someone I love just how deeply I care for her and how much she means to me.

Today is the day I quit worrying about what I don't have and start being grateful for all the wonderful things God has already given me. I'll remember that to worry is just a waste of time because my faith in God and his plan ensures everything will be just fine.

And tonight, before I go to bed, I'll go outside and raise my eyes to the heavens. I will stand in awe at the beauty of the stars and the moon, and I will praise God for these magnificent treasures.

As the day ends and I lay my head down on my pillow, I will thank the Almighty for the best day of my life. And I will sleep the sleep of a contented child, excited with expectation because I know tomorrow is going to be the best day of my life, ever!

========================

A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid. "This" he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste." After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth. After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth."

========================

A Licensed Counselor was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children... "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on, RICHARD, we're leaving."

===========================

A line of candidates waited to enter the Pearly Gates. St. Peter questioned each one about their work on earth. He asked the first one, "What did you do to qualify for Heaven?" "I was a family doctor," the candidate answered. St. Peter replied, "You did much good, you can go in. " The next candidate replied, "I was a doctor. A pediatrician." St. Peter replied, "You did a lot of good, you can go in." The next candidate declared, "I was CEO of a HMO." St. Peter thought for a while, scratched his chin and said, "OK, you can go on in, but you can only stay 3 days."

==========================

A lion woke up one morning feeling rowdy. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion! Later, the lion confronts a deer and bellows, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" The terrified deer stammers, "Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!" On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times, the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomped on the lion till it looked like a corn tortilla, crapped on it, and ambled away. The lion hollered after the elephant, "DaRn, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so TICKED off."

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A listener phones in to a radio talk show on the RTL. He asks the host, "Please, in the Star Trek series you have white people, black people, Chinese people. Why are there no Arab people?" The host pauses for quite a while before answering, "Because it is set in the future."

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