= = = = ="having a woman as president"= = = == wooden nickel

I'm sure you know the advantage of having a woman as president. No wars, but every 28 days we have REALLY intense negotiation.

Q . When does a woman enjoy a man's company? A . When she owns it.

Q: What do you call two blondes in a closet? A: Last years hide and seek winners

Charlie Manson is sitting before the parole board. He says, "Is it hot in here---or am I crazy?"

=============================

"BUZZWORDS of 2003"

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

SITCOMS: (Single Income, Two Children, Opressive Mortgage) What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property, and no regrets.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

SWIPED OUT: an ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out at ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal, 'We each owe $8, but all anybody's got are yuppie food stamps!

GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions.

OHNOSECOND: That miniscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've made a BIG mistake.

WOOFYS: Well Off Older Folks.

==================

"Nice threads, Man. Where'd you pick 'em up?"

"My old lady got them for me. Pretty sharp, huh?"

"I'll say. What was the occasion?"

"Got me. I came home from work early the other day, and there they were, hanging over the chair in the bedroom."

====================

When Columbus came to America, there were no taxes, no debts, and no pollution. The women did all the work while the men hunted or fished all day. Ever since then, a bunch of idiotic do-gooders have been trying to "improve" the place. * New Yorkers are a breed apart. A man was mugged but had no cash. Afraid he'd be hurt, he offered to write the guy a check. The mugger said dumbfounded, "A Check? Why would I take a check from you? I don't even know you!"

* Because of budgetary constraints, the City of Baltimore in Maryland has stopped the tradition of giving people a "Key to the City." These days, they just send a guy over and he shows ya how to pick the lock.

* Las Vegas is a wild town. An hour after I had checked into a hotel, the house detective knocked on the door and said, "Do you have a woman in there?" I told him I didn't, so he threw one in.

* In a lot of Southern towns, the influence of the Baptist Church is felt in many different walks of life. For example, sexual relations between two unmarried adults is illegal. It seems they felt it might lead to dancing.

* California is said to have over a hundred thousand palms. The way I see it though, about 16 or so of them are trees, the rest seem to be maitre d's, parking lot attendants, waiters, bell boys, doormen...

====================

A young pretty female school teacher had been telling her class about the value of being observant and said, "Now children, look at the clock; what does the clock have that I have too?"

One little girl stood up and said, "It has a face."

Another girl raised her hand and said, "It has hands."

"Splendid," said the teacher, "now what has the clock that I haven't got?"

After a long silence, little Johnny rose and said, "You ain't got no pendulum, Miss."

====================

A very spiritual, devout and holy priest dies and is immediately swept up to heaven.

St. Peter greets him at the Pearly Gates, and says, "Hello, Father, we've been waiting for you for a long time. Welcome to Heaven! You are very well known here, and as a special reward, because you are such a spiritual and holy man, we're going to grant you anything you wish even before we enter Heaven. What can I grant you?"

"Well", the priest says, "I've always been a great admirer of the Virgin Mother. I've always wanted to ask her a question."

St. Peter nods his head to one side, and lo and behold who should approach the priest but the Virgin Mary!

The priest is beside himself, and he manages to say, "Mother, I have always been a great admirer of yours, and have studied everything I could about you and followed your life as best I could. I have studied every painting and portrait ever made of you, and I've noticed that you are always portrayed with a slightly sad look on your face. I have always, always wondered what it was that made you sad. Would you please tell me?"

"Well", says Mother Mary, "to tell the truth, I was really hoping for a girl."

======================

"Little Known Knights of the Round Table"

Sir Charge - Royal mail order clerk Sir Lee - Royal bureaucrat Sir Loin - Royal butcher Sir Mise - Royal detective Sir Mount - Royal mountain climber Sir Plus - Royal supply officer Sir Press - Royal censor Sir Prize - Royal tactician Sir Render- Royal tactician (retired) Sir Round - Royal moat builder Sir Vey - Royal surveyor Sir Vive - Royal adventurer Sir John - Royal doctor Sir Jerry - Royal medical advisor Sir Osis - Royal brewmaster Sir Cumference - Designer of the Round Table Sir Face-tension - The knight who could walk on water Sir Reptitious - Used to sneak up to the other knights and saying "BOO" Sir Rendipitous - Stumbled upon the Holy Grail by sheer luck

=====================

A blind guy walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out,

"Can I help, sir?"

"No thanks," says the blind guy. "I'm just looking around. "

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