From the heart,,part 1........JAak

Cause i was in love,
noone could tell me any different,
i knew she was the one,
I spent and spent alot of my money..to go see her,and also on the gifts i gave her,
my family all warned me not to go through with it,
but i was in love and what did they know?
They were people i trusted all my life-and now all of a sudden-they knew nothing,
i was selfish-all i wanted was a change in my life,that's all..
not to change everything but just where i was going..
where i was going was no where, i didn't make that much money to spend in the first place--but on her i spent most of what little i did have,
it was fun, i felt like i belonged..like she really understood me,after all she was the first girl who i thought really loved me,
she had me and she had me good...
it's funny i never really thought about any of my other girlfriends the way i thought of her,at night on some nights i would just look at her picture and imagine what our wedding might be like,
and the rest of our lives together..
blinded by the excitement of the relationship,
after all she was the first girlfriend i had had in many years,
she was the last one i thought cause she was going to be my wife,
but as i know now-feelings sometimes can be misleading..
over the months that would follow-my crush turned into obsession,
on the nights we didn't talk to one another--I had doubts,followed by evil voices in my mind that would take control,
and tell me she didn't love me at all-and she was on her way to find someone new,
that's how i knew i was obsesive-cause i couldn't go one single night without her,
i JUst had to talk to her and that was it..and if we didn't talk long enough or if she didn't say what i think she should've said-I'd get upset,
more fuel for the voices,more fuel for doubts,
the more i would miss her--the more i would hate myself for even starting the relationship,
but i did love her that was one thing that was clear-and no amount of money seemed to big or no amount of whatever..as long as i got her feeling the same way about me,
that was the pay off,that was my goal..but as anyone could've told me, you can't buy or force love-it just happens-
So the months went by-and i spent more money-trying to get the one thing i thought was missing in my life,the one thing that had always passed me up-
that one thing was having a long term relationship with a girl,
or in other words-filling my goal of buying this girls love-and then we would marry some day..and then i had no clue,
However no matter what i bought her-no matter what loving things she said to me-i always felt lost-as if i knew what i was trying to do was wrong,
but i never ever told her my plan--for then i was for sure what would happen-
she'd break up with me in a heartbeat-and i'd be alone again,
there's not alot wrong with being alone i guess i just been there for so long i didn't wanna go back-
so greed lead me to go after her-to not let her go..to give her no choice but to love me,how dumb i was-
but i still played along,no matter how mad at her i got,i would act as cool as ever-saying that's okay-and things like that,
it wasn't me at all--it was this madness i had-this total idea of never being alone again,
it took me by surprize-and now it had me,there was no way out--or was there?
Slowly i begain planning my escape from my own fear,
I would just simply break up with her-cause she couldn't know the truth,she could never know the truth!
As i walked up to her to deliver my farwell address...
she looked at me with those eyes,and said I LOVe you,
those powerful words wrecked my plan,
I was a captive of my own design...as much as it burned me inside i couldn't let my true feelings be known,
I smiled and said I LOve you too.....

END OF PART 1

Show all stories by   Author:  42703 ( Click here )