= = = A little girl from Minneapolis = = = = WOODEN NICKEL

A little girl from Minneapolis came home from Sunday school with a frown on her face. "I'm not going back there anymore," she announced with finality. "I don't like the Bible they keep teaching us." "Why not?" asked her astonished mother. "Because," said the little girl, "that Bible is always talking about St. Paul, and it never once mentions Minneapolis."

====================

A father is a person who is forced to endure childbirth without an anesthetic. He growls when he feels good and laughs very loud when he is scared half-to-death.

A father never feels entirely worthy of the worship in a child's eyes. He is never quite the hero his daughter thinks. Never quite the man his son believes him to be. And this worries him sometimes. (So he works too hard to try to smooth the rough places in the road of those of his own who will follow him.)

A father is a person who goes to war sometimes ... and would run the other way except that war is part of his only important job in his life, (which is making the world better for his child than it has been for him).

Fathers grow older faster than people, because they, in other wars, have to stand at the train station and wave goodbye to the uniform that climbs on board.

And, while mothers cry where it shows, fathers stand and beam -- outside -- and die inside.

Fathers are men who give daughters away to other men, who aren't nearly good enough, so that they can have children that are smarter than anybody's.

Fathers fight dragons almost daily. They hurry away from the breakfast table, off to the arena which is sometimes called an office or a workshop. There, with callused hands, they tackle the dragon with three heads; Weariness, Works, and Monotony. And they never quite win the fight, but they never give up.

Knights in shining armor; fathers in shiny trousers. There's little difference as they march away each workday.

I don't know where a father goes when he dies, but I've an idea that, after a good rest, wherever it is, he won't just sit on a cloud and wait for the girl he's loved and the children she bore. He'll be busy there too -- repairing the stars, oiling the gates, improving the streets, smoothing the way.

====================

A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning.

Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.

"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"

"It's pretty nice," she replied.

"Except they won't let me fart."

==========================

There was an Arizona phone company that was going to hire one team of telephone pole installers and the boss had to choose between a team of Irish guys and a team of Polish guys.

So the boss met with both teams and said:

"Here's what we'll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job."

Both teams headed right out. At the end of the shift, the Irish guys came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed, and they said that it was tough going,but they'd put in twelve.

Forty-five minutes later, the Polish guys came back in and they were totally exhausted. The boss ! said, "Well,how many poles did you guys install?"

The team leader wiped his brow and sighed, "We got three in."

The boss gasped, "Three? Those Irish guys put in twelve!"

"Yeah," said the Polish leader, "but you should see how much they left sticking out of the ground!"

====================

I've seen the light and it's in you. In everything you are and in everything you do.

It's a perfect light that shines for all to see. It radiates from you and has pierced the heart of me.

The light is from a friend. It's a light that keeps me warm. It lets me know how loved I am and keeps me safe from harm.

To you my friend I am thankful in each and every way. For you lift my spirits up with every passing day.

To know that you are there for me it makes me feel alive. Because it is your friendships light upon which my love thrives.

So thank you isn't good enough they are the only words I know. It is your light of friendship That give my world it's glow.

Thanks for sharing your light with me For it is the simple things in life That are truly unforgettable.

===================== AT LAST, SOMEONE SUMMED IT UP....

1. The nice men are ugly.

2. The handsome men are not nice.

3. The handsome and nice men are gay.

4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.

5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.

6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.

7. The handsome men without money are after our money.

8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.

9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.

10. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!

11. The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.

NOW ... WHO IN THE HECK UNDERSTANDS MEN?

======================

Surrounding you are angels, They are there to guide your path, If weakness overcomes you, They'll give you strength if you will ask.

They are your protection When life seems too hard to bear, And though you feel alone at times, The angels ... they are there.

Their faces may be hidden And their voices you might not hear, But they are ALWAYS with you, Through your laughter or your tears.

They'll walk along beside you, They'll guide your steps along the way, They'll comfort you and hold you, Protect you night and day.

They'll hold to your hand tightly, They'll not ever let it go, And they'll gently lead you forward, Taking each step very slow.

For even as you slumber, They watch closely over you; They are there beside you In each and every thing you do.

When life is overwhelming, And your spirit has grown tired, Know they'll be there for you, To uplift and to inspire.

And when you're torn and lonely, And you see no hope ahead, Know that they will nourish you, Your spirit will be fed.

And if there comes a time in life That your heart has been broken, Hear the words, "I'm here, my child," And know your angel has spoken.

For even in the darkest hour, When all of hope seems gone, They'll give you strength to live your life, And desire to go on.

And if your faith in Heaven, Should ever fade away, They'll help renew your spirit, And help you find your way.

Even though you're ever filled with doubt, About the life you live, Know that they are there to give you All that they can give.

For you see, the Father sent them, Because to Him, you mean so much, That He sent them "just for you," my friend, And your life, they will touch.

They will always be here, They will "never" leave your side; And upon their strength and guidance, You always may rely.

Take comfort in their guidance, Draw strength from up above, And know that their sweet presence, Is God's precious gift of love.

===================== Survival At Work!

1. Never walk without a document in your hands People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do. 2. Use computers to look busy Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss - and you *will* get caught -- your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.



3. Messy desk Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

4. Voice Mail Never answers your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there - it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel.

5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.



6. Leave the office late Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays.

7. Creative Sighing for Effect Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.

8. Stacking Strategy It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).

9. Build Vocabulary Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.



10. MOST IMPORTANT!!!: DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake!!!

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