Feigning Heartlessness

"You don't have a heart." I look up from my book and stare at my friend Jake, who was sitting across from me on my bed. He stared right back at me, his soulful green eyes accusing. "Maybe not, but I do experiance some emotion," I reply, half-heartedly trying to defend myself. "Yeah," he contorts, "Anger, Fury, and Greed." He smiles suddenly, enjoying our familiar game of Battle of the Wits. Though he quickly returns to his solemn state and says, "You don't know what it's like to have your heart broken, over and over again. You don't know what it's like to love someone so much, but not receive any return of affection from them." He pauses for a moment, and I see him. I truly see him for once, it was like I was speaking to his soul. He continues, " you don't know what it's like to love."

His last sentence caught me off guard, and I flinched. Not only at his words, but their accusing and contempt tone. But he was wrong, I had loved once, in Middle school actually, eight months of love/obsession that endedly tragicly (at least for me) and took more than a summer to get over. I had never felt that strongly about anyone, but the feelings were not returned. After that i closed up, before I had been shy around guys, but now I was purely cold. At least to those who tried to flirt with me. It's not like there were too many of those anyways. I'm not an ugly girl, but I'm no beauty queen. My intelligence was my only solace, but then again, what is it if you gain the whole world, but lose your soul? I think thats in the Bible.

And I do have feelings, but most of them are to deep to really be explained. Mostly are my feelings of what can be described as loneliness, a lack of feeling of self worth, and the harsh reality that I'll probably end up bitter, old, and alone. Oh, but I know this is my doing. It's all in my control, but I can't seem to stop. But yes, I did love once, but I doubt that ever again I will allow myself to fall so quickly in love with a boy that makes me laugh. But of course, I never tell this to any of my friends. Better for them to think I'm a cold, heartless, witch than for them to guess that I'm actually vunerable. Notice the irony.

"I love my cat!" I exclaim, pretending to be appalled, "How dare you question my love for Herb!?" We both laugh, and he goes back to playing video games, and I my book, with the haunting question in my mind. 'How long can I keep this up?'