==It's one of life's mysteries ==wooden nickel

It's one of life's mysteries - how a 2 pound box of chocolates can make a Jewish woman gain 5 lbs.

Another of life's mysteries is when a Jewish woman hangs something in her wardrobe for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

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Q: Why is it so important for the groom at a Jewish wedding to stomp on a wine glass?

A: Because it's probably the last time he'll put his foot down.

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A woman's husband dies. He had $20,000 to his name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetary, she tells her closest friend that there is no money left.

The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he had $20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke?"

The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to the temple and all. That was $500 and I spent another $500 for the shiva, food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."

The friend says, "$12,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big was it?"

The widow says, "Three carats

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While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Morris and his wife listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" Morris leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"

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The story is told of 4 older Jewish ladies who enjoyed getting together in each others' homes.

"My son," says Mrs. Levi, "is a Physicist and heads up a department at the University. Her friends nodded approvingly.

"My son," says Mrs. Greenberg, "is a Doctor and is Chief of Surgery at Mt. Sinai Hospital".

You must be so proud, they said.

"My son," says Mrs. Goldblatt, "is the head of a law firm and president of the bar association". Again, nods all around.

"My son," says Mrs. Cohen, "is a Rabbi".

"A Rabbi?!" they exclaim, "What kind of career is that for a Jewish boy?"

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In the early 1900s, a simple religious Russian Jew decided that he could no longer stand the Czar's persecution. He would leave Russia to join his son who had settled in Houston, Texas.

The son, who had totally assimilated and was a successful oil man, was thrown into a panic. "Of course, you are welcome, Pa," he cabled, "I will arrange a visa, your tickets and fares. But you must realize that I have a wonderful reputation here as an oil man. When you arrive, you must adapt to American culture or I will be destroyed.

Upon arrival at the train station, the old man, dressed in his long coat and up-brimmed hat, was whisked to a haberdashery, where he was fitted with the latest style fedora and a modern-cut suit. But still, his father looked too Jewish.

"Pa it's not enough. I'll take you to the barber."

The first thing that came off was the beard. The son looked on and said, "it's not enough Pa. The peyos, they'll have to go."

The barber cut off the right peya. While the son looked on proudly, his pa was becoming a real American. Then the second. And the old man began to weep.

"Why are you crying, Papa?" the son asked incredulously.

The father, resigned to his fate, simply answered. "I am crying because we lost the Alamo!"

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Moshe and Shlomo are walking down the street when it starts to rain, and no little sprinkle either but a real shower. It just so happens that Moshe is carrying an umbrella.

"Nu," says Shlomo. "So when are you going to open the umbrella."

"It won't do us any good," says Moshe. "It's full of holes."

"So why then did you bring it?" says Shlomo."

"Because," Moshe says with shrug, "I didn't think it would rain."

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