would you say i'm depressed *snowymoon06*

lately things just haven't seemed to be going as planned. i'm not gonna list everything, but i'll tell you about some stuff.

i've "lost" my best friend (look at a previous post of mine about her) becuase of what she did, it ***seems*** that no one wants to talk to me and that i'm losing my friends like flies...my parents and i fight almost everyday about itty bitty things...***EVERYONE*** keeps telling me i'm going out with this one guy because we hang out together (seriously! wherever i go, someone asks me if i'm going out with him and i have to say no and they say oh well i always see you with him...i think he has a girlfriend...)...maybe 4 friends i made over last summer and i are still friends and they are really good friends. no one here is as good of friends as some of the 4. 2 live over 6 hours away and 2 live about 3 hours away. i really counted the other night how many good friends i have and i think i ended up with 3. and then i counted everyone who i considered a friend (not just someone to talk to or an aquatiance) and i ended up with about 5 (not including the 3 from before). i don't know i guess this is all about me losing friends and fighting with my family.

for a long while (maybe 4 years) i've been ***REALLY*** thinking about my life. i know i've tried to run away a few times (it's such a small town here that someone's bound to be walking in front of your house and see you crawling out your window wondering what you're doing). i've tried to crack my skull a few years ago...i'd stand up and just fall backwards and hit my head on the ground (you know like the trust fall but no one's behind you) i also tried hitting my head against the wall...nothing happened except a really bad headache afterwards. then i've ***TRIED*** cutting myself. i couldn't get the blade in enough to do anything. so then i tried clawing myself. i have pretty long nails (they're real thank you very much:D) so i clawed at my arm for a little bit and my leg too. i drew a little blood, but that happened once.

also for a while, i've been wondering about my family. it just seems that i can't get myself to really consider them my REAL family. i mean if you think about it, it's kinda corny to say that you were bought and that's how you became part of the family. so yea, i call my parents mom and dad and all that just becuase i'm so used to it. i just can't get myself to think that these people are my FAMILY though. i've always wanted to go and find my birth parents or learn something about korea. i can tell my parents are really hesitant when i say something about korea or my birth parents to them...i mean i would too if i were them...hearing your child talking about finding their birth parents maybe liking them more...ya i understand that. like i said, i've tried to learn something about korea, but all i have is downloaded songs. OH my friend showed me how to write my name, moon, and love but that's all. i've got the alphabet and all but i don't know the language or know anyone near here that does. the closest person is a little over 3 hours away (one of the friends i met over the summer) and he's going back to korea to see his dad over the summer...i dunno if he's coming back though. anyway, i've found out a WEE bit of information about my birth mom. i think i only have the age of my dad. anyway like i said, my parents don't want me to find out about my birth parents or call the adoption center to find anything out.

last time i talked about something serious to my mom was 5 years ago (i was 10) and told her i was stressed out. she laughed at me and said it was impossible for me to be stressed out at such a young age and told me to go play with my brother. so i can't seem to forgive her and tell her how i feel right now. my dad said the reason why i "don't have friends" is becuase i'm not involved in school. he said quit cheerleading and get into speech or something ***JUST*** becuase my speech teacher said i was good. i said i wanted to be in the play, but he seemed to ignore me. the girls on the cheerleading squad aren't exactly friends of mine. my freshman year was a living nightmare with them becuase they were SO mean!! AND STUCK UP!! there was another girl and me on the football one and they made so much fun of the other girl just becuase she wasn't as thin as them. oh and they called her troll and fish (her last name's finn) but she TOTALLY didn't like it AT ALL and left at 5am when we were at a sleepover becuase they were SO rude to her. winter season i was stuck with some of the same girls and one who i thought was my best friend. she turned on me and so i had pretty much no one on the squad to talk to.

so i think that's really what's been on my mind for the LONGEST time. family problems and lost friends...sorry if it's a little long, but i haven't talk to anyway about this EVER just becuase no one's here to talk to (yea..kinda sad isn't it) so would you say i'm depressed or just sad?

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