I guess I am coming out of the closet.. ~Pantherlover~

I have been on this site almost 2 years and been reading quite several posts about people being depressed, I didn't really want to reply because I did not know what to say to them or advise them. Sometimes I do, but that is rare. I am not going to whine or nothing because that is not like me.

For many years of my life, people have been saying that I am so brave, strong and that I don't let anyone get to me. About my deafness and other things of course. but i am not. :) I have gone through hell in my lifetime. Being sexually abused by my real father which is in Prison right now for 10 years. From 3 years old to 13 years old. After my father went to prison, everything fell apart for me, I went into this darkness and stayed there. For so long, I don't know who I really am. I was daddy's little girl. When he went to prison at 13 years old,(me) I started to push everyone away, especially my own family, I was ashamed of myself and how my life was. I was confused about what was going on. I loved my dad so much that killed me that I was the one who told on him, since I was daddy's girl. He was aholoic (sp) and most of time he was a good daddy but at times he was bad. I was not the same ever again. My mom met someone else and married the man I hated the most. i wouldnt want to fill you guys about MIkey my stepfather hes kind of weird man.

Other than that, family moved to Montana from Reno, NV to be away from my daddy. Things got worse for me. I lied alot and did things to get my mom attendion bceause she was paying more attendion to her perious hubby than me, she put me through counselors nothing works. she ingored me pretty much alot of times because she did not understand deafness. Sometimes we go somehwere that is a crowdy, like family parties or whatever, I have to sit and read books because no one would talk to me, my family wouldnt even try and interpert what is going on. Yes my mother and ssiter knows sign language very well. THey just did not think it would bother me if they doesnt invovle me. it hurts.. yup it still hurts.

but i get over it pretty quick but it does the same thing over and over again, until i started to stay home and read books, I used to write nonstop. I tried to talk to my family about my feelings that they kind of ingored me. all they said " oh im sorry I will do better this time and get you informed and interpert" well the next time we do this they do the same thing ingoring me when i try to talk to them they just nod and go back to whatever they were doing. I have been depressed for a LONG time and hid it from my family. Now, I am 24 years old, I think about the past I have had. It has been pretty hell, I would have tell you alot about this but I am not ready to tell everything just yet.

I think I stayed away from people very long and it screwed my self esteem. I am shy and I get frozen with fear when I try to approach a person and try to make new friends, I try and feel panicky and give up. I didn't know how to deal with it but I finally got my butt to the new doctor and told them that I have severe depression and he gave me medicate. Today. after many years I refused to get some help until today. :o)

You know sucidie is not the best option. I did try to commit sucide once last october but my faincee had to take me to the er because I was overdosing. I was not very happy with the way my life is. But I realized after I walked out of the E.R> Commiting Sucidie would not get better. it is not the best option and it will get your loved ones terribly hurt. I have decided today, I am going to get better, I have bi-polar disorder. But, I will get better but it takes time. I will help people who needs help. Because I have been there myself.

Sorry it is so long :) i need to vent alittle I think i needed to get out of the closet after so many years in there. I think i am trying to be the true myself. I feel this person is NOT like me. I need to be WHO I should be.

I admit I used this drug, I can not tell what it is, because I don't want to make people think I am bad, this drug i used to take, it was a happy pill but i stopped taking it and been clean for 5 months now. I am trying to straight my life out. I never have take drugs when my son is around, he usually goes t his father or his grandparents and i do them, i could not do it when he is around. i know it was bad but this is all over now. Love you guys.

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