=====Celebrity Quotes===== WOODEN NICKEL

Celebrity Quotes

Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call. - Richard Lewis

My father never lived to see his dream come true of an all-Yiddish-speaking Canada. - David Steinberg

I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up . . . they have no holidays. - Henny Youngman

Look at Jewish history. Unrelieved lamenting would be intolerable. So, for every ten Jews beating their breasts, God designated one to be crazy and amuse the breast beaters. By the time I was five I knew I was that one. - Mel Brooks

God, I know we are your chosen people, but couldn't you choose somebody else for a change? - Shalom Aleichem

It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it. - Sam Levenson

Don't be humble; you are not that great. - Golda Meir

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A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics.

He inquired of the tour guide, "Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?"

"No," replied the guide. "It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer."

"Never heard of him. What did he write?"

"A check", replied the guide.

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An account executive at a stock-and-bond firm telephoned an elderly Jewish woman client who had purchased her first stock -- one hundred shares of Proctor & Gamble. He told her that he had just heard they were going to split.

"Oy! Vat a shame." she lamented. "I'm so sorry to hear that. And, they've been together for so long too."

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The year is 2012 and the United States of America has recently elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish President, Ms. Shirley Vineberg.

So the President-elect calls up her mother in Brooklyn a few weeks after Election Day.

"So Ma, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a six hour drive, and your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my gout is acting up again."

"Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door."

"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy; I don't know what on Earth I would wear."

"Oh mom," replies Susan, "Don't worry about it. I'll make sure you have some wonderful dresses by Christian Dior."

"Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat."

The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York, kosher all the way. Mom, please, I want you to come."

So Mom agrees and so on January 21, 2013, Shirley Vineberg is being sworn in as President of the United States of America.

In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a Senator sitting next to her; . . . "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States?"

The Senator whispers back, "Yes I do."

"Her brother's a famous doctor."

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Four little aging Jewish ladies were sitting by the pool in Miami Beach. One of them looked at the others and said: "Do you girls still like sex?"

After a few seconds of silence, one looked over and replied: "Honey, I still love Saks, Macy's, Bloomingdales...all of those nice stores."

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A Rabbi was walking home from the Temple and saw one of his good friends, a pious and learned man who could usually beat the rabbi in religious arguments.

The rabbi started walking faster so that he could catch up to his friend, when he was horrified to see his friend go into a Chinese restaurant (not a kosher one).

Standing at the door, he observed his friend talking to a waiter and gesturing at a menu. A short time later, the waiter reappeared carrying a platter full of spare ribs, shrimp in lobster sauce, crab rangoon and other treif that the Rabbi could not bear to think about.

As his friend picked up the chopsticks and began to eat this food, the Rabbi burst into the restaurant and reproached his friend, for he could take it no longer.

"Morris, what is this you are doing? I saw you come into this restaurant, order this filth and now you are eating it in violation of everything we are taught about the dietary laws and with an apparent enjoyment that does not befit your pious reputation!"

Morris replied, "Rabbi, did you see me enter this restaurant?" (Rabbi nods yes) "Did you see me order this meal?" (again he nods yes) "Did you see the waiter bring me this food?" (again he nods yes) "And did you see me eat it?" (nods yes)

"Then, Rabbi, I don't see the problem here. The entire meal was done under Rabbinical supervision!"

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A little compact car smashed into the rear of Cohen's Cadillac as he made a left turn.

The driver of the little car was furious. "Why didn't you put out your hand?" he demanded.

"What's the point?" shrugged Cohen. "If you can't see my Cadillac, how could you see my hand?"

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