" an officer in the naval reserve. " wooden nickel

A friend of mine is an officer in the naval reserve. A few weeks ago, he was attending a conference that included admirals in both the US and the French navies. At a cocktail reception, my friend found himself in a small group that included an admiral from each of the two navies. The French admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans learned many languages, Americans learned only English. He then asked. "Why is it that we have to speak English in these conferences rather than you have to speak French?" Without even hesitating, the American admiral replied.

"Maybe it is because we arranged it so that you did not have to learn to speak German." The group became silent.

===================== A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that his faithful dog had been dead for many years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stonewall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. As he reached the wall, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch, and the street that led to the gate made from pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.

When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?" "This is heaven, sir," the man answered. "Wow! Would you happen to have some water? We have traveled far," the man said. "Of course, sir.

Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open. "Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked. "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets." The man thought a moment, remembering all the years this dog remained loyal to him and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going.

After another long walk he came to a plain dirt road, which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside , planting some trees .."Excuse me!" he called to the gardener. "Do you have any water? We have traveled far." "Yes, sure, there's a faucet over there."

The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in and help yourself." "How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to his dog. "There should be a bowl by the faucet; he is welcome to share.

"They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned faucet with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was planting the trees waiting for them. "What do you call this place?" the traveler asked. "This is heaven," was the answer. "Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was heaven, too." "Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates?

Nope. That's hell." "Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?" "No. We're just happy that they screen out the folks who'd leave their best friends behind in exchange for material things." Remember who your true friends are!

"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words."

======================

"THINGS TO BE THANKFUL FOR"

When I was younger, I remember receiving the inevitable homework assignment to write an essay on "something I am thankful for". Then I'd spend a lot of time sitting in my room trying to figure out just what in the world that could possibly be; and I'd end up writing down everything

I could think of from God to environmental consciousness. But after having children, my priorities have clearly changed:

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful to have been born in the USA, the most powerful free democracy in the world. AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful for Velcro tennis shoes. As well as saving valuable time, now I can hear the sound of my son taking off his shoes -- which gives me three extra seconds to activate the safety locks on the back seat windows right before he hurls them out of the car and onto the freeway.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for the recycling program which will preserve our natural resources and prevent the overloading of landfills. AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful for swim diapers because every time my son wanders into water in plain disposables, he ends up wearing a blimp the size of, say, New Jersey, on his bottom.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for fresh, organic vegetables. AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful for microwaveable macaroni and cheese -- without which my children would be surviving on about three bites of cereal and their own spit.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for the opportunity to obtain a college education and have a higher quality of life than my ancestors. AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful to finish a complete thought without being interrupted.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for holistic medicince and natural herbs. AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful for pediatric cough syrup guaranteed to "cause drowsiness" in young children.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for all of the teachers who had taught, encouraged and nurtured me throughout my formative years. AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful for all of the people at Weight Watcher who let me strip down to pantyhouse and a strategically placed scarf before getting on the scale each week.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for the opportunity to vacation in exotic foreign countries so I could experience a different way of life in a new culture. AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful to have time to make it all the way down the driveway to get the mail.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for the Moosewood Vegetarian cookbook. AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful for the Butterball turkey hotline.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for a warm, cozy home to share with my loved ones. AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful for the lock on the bathroom door.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for material objects like custom furniture, a nice car and trendy clothes. AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful when the baby spits up and misses my good shoes.

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