ONLY IN AMERICA , WOODEN NICKEL

ONLY IN AMERICA can the pizza men get to your house faster than the ambulance.

ONLY IN AMERICA.you can find a handicapped parking space in front of a dance studio.

ONLY IN AMERICA do people order a triple bacon cheeseburger with extra large fries and a hot apple pie and a diet soda.

ONLY IN AMERICA do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

ONLY IN AMERICA do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

ONLY IN AMERICA do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our worthless junk in the garage.

ONLY IN AMERICA do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

ONLY IN AMERICA do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight

ONLY IN AMERICA do you have freedom to be what you want, do what you want, say what you want.

GOT A COMPLAINT about America? Try living in China.

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WOMEN'S FAVORITE JOKES

Why did God create a man before a woman? You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.

What should you do when you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground? Shoot him again.

Why do little boys whine? They're practicing to be men.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?

A. Trustworthy.

Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q. What's the best way to kill a man?

A. Put a six-pack and a naked woman in front of him and ask him to choose just one.

Q. How does a man keep his youth?

A. By giving her money, diamonds, and furs.

Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A. Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals."

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NEW VIRUS Just got this in from a reliable source. It seems there is a virus called the "Senile Virus" that even the most advanced programs of Norton and McAfee cannot take care of it; so be warned. The virus appears to affect those of us who were born before 1950!

Symptoms of the Senile Virus:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. 2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail. 3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. 4. Causes you to send e-mail back to the person who sent it to you. 5. Causes you to forget to attach attachments. 6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the e-mail.

Remember?

I don't remember if I sent this one out. . . . I don't think I did . . . uh, . . or did you send it to me?

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded . . .

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded. . .

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded. . .

6. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.

7. If all is not lost, where is it?

8. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

9. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded. . .

10. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

11. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.

12. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

14. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded. . .

15. It's hard to make a come-back when you haven't been anywhere.

16. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

17. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

18. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

19. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded. . .

20. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

21. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

22. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

23. I unable to remember if I have mailed this to you or not.

24. Funny, I don't remember being . . . uh, what's it called? Oh, yeah, . . . absent minded.

Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 8, maybe 10, oh, heck, just send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are. Then something is supposed to happen. . . I think. Maybe you get your memory back or something! I think. . .

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