Why can't I stop thinking about him?....B. Monkey13

Someone sent me a funny fwd. w/ Bush and Saddam posing as bosom buddies in various comical snapshots. Their superimposed faces are on pictures of guys fishing and so and so forth. It was a big file so I had to delete some stuff off of my hotmail so I will not go over quota. So I go to the many self made folders there and I kept telling myself, “No!!! don’t go to his name”, but I did. I clicked on my friend Donte’s name. The same emails were there as usual, no surprise, and all the good feelings about reading them, but……..

Donte’s been in a coma for almost a year now. Why? Why him, you know? If you knew him you’d say this shouldn’t of happened to such a good person. I really know the real reason he’s in a coma it’s because his hearts so darn big with love and compassion for everyone that his brain couldn’t catch up and decided to have a blood vessel burst.

I’m at least past the part of my constant day dreaming. It’s sort of like the movie Nightmare on Elm St. pt. 4. The character Alice’s brother Rick dies. She attends his funeral and she daydreams that he flips the casket lid open and tells her that it’s all a joke. I did the same thing when I visited him in December. When my boyfriend and Jeremy left the room and I was left alone with him I thought he’d rip his feeding tube and breathing helper (trache?) out and say it’s all a joke! I’m just kidding with everybody, I just needed a rest. But that’s not true, not going to happen.

I’ve also gone past the point of seeing guys who look like him on campus and doing double takes. I hate the reminders. He always wanted to me to watch that TV show Alias. He loved that show, was always talking about it. I’ve yet to watch it, I can’t bring myself to doing it. And I can’t stop referring to him in the past sense as if he is dead, he’s not. But why can’t he just wake up already?

I really need him so much. I’m not engaged, but in a class that I took a little while back we had to talk about future weddings. I made up my fake wedding invite and had a little argument with my boyfriend over yes I am going to have a ‘Bridesman’ and he’s it. I’ve since that pretend invite up, but I still wish. And I do, I wish I wish I wish, and pray that he’ll hurry up and ‘live’ again b/c that’s not what he’s doing now. How do you mourn someone who is not dead? I can’t stop.

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