A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head to the hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner on a perilous twist in the trail, he and a bear collided, sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside. Before he knew it, his rifle went one way and he went the other, landing on a rock and breaking both his legs. That was the good news. The bad news was the ferocious bear charging at him from a distance, and he couldn't move. "Oh, Lord," the preacher prayed, "I'm so sorry for skipping services today to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish . . . Please make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me. Please, Lord!" That very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud right at the preacher's feet. "Dear God" the bear said, "Bless this food I am about to receive . . ."
==========================
A couple had quarreled about money and gone to bed angry. The next morning, they rose, showered, dressed and ate breakfast in silence. Finally, hoping to break the ice, he said, "You know, honey, I'm not myself today." "Really?" she said. "I hadn't noticed the improvement."
========================
No one falls in love by choice, it is by CHANCE.
No one stays in love by chance, it is by WORK.
And no one falls out of love by chance, it is by CHOICE.
=========================
A guy goes to a motel with his girlfriend, and is surprised to see his best friend's car outside one of the rooms. He thinks to himself, "It's noon, I thought he was at work." He decides to play a joke on his friend, and takes one of the hubcaps from his car.
That same night, he goes to his friend's house, knocks on the door and tells his friend, "Hey, look what I found!"
"Hey, that's my hubcap, were did you get it from?"
The guy lowers his voice and says, "Don't play dumb with me, I saw your car outside the motel at noon today!"
His friend stands there quietly for a moment, goes back into the house, goes to the kitchen and tells his wife, "Look honey, I found the hubcap you lost at the supermarket today!" oops!!!!!!!!!!!!
======================
"Doctor!" whined the patient. "I keep seeing spots before my eyes."
The physician scratched his head, "Why have you come to me? Have you seen an opthalmologist?"
"No," replied the patient, "just spots."
========================
During an arctic training exercise in Alaska intense cold played havoc with vehicles and equipment. One harassed battery commander was trying to cope with vehicles that wouldn't run and machinery that wouldn't work. He was wondering what else could go wrong when the door flew open and a soldier rushed in and announced, "Hey, captain, the northern lights are out!
Exasperated and without looking, the captain barked, "Well, don't tell me! Go get the generator mechanic and have him fix the darn things!"
=========================
On a busy Friday night at the restaurant where I'd recently started waiting tables, the owner suddenly emerged from the kitchen and handed me money. "We're in trouble!" He said. "We're out of quarters, and customers are waiting. Go next door and get me $40 worth."
I ran to the supermarket next door, but a cashier said she wasn't allowed to give out that many quarters. Determined, I sprinted to a convenience store two blocks away, but it was closed. At a gas station farther down the road, the clerk took pity and gave me the four rolls of quarters. Twenty minutes after I'd left, I handed the coin rolls to my boss. "Where are the quarters?" He asked.
"Right here," I said breathlessly.
His face sank. "I meant chicken quarters."
====================
Moishe was 80 years old and his family decided he needed a full medical check-up. The doctor listened to his heart and then said, "Uh oh!" Moishe did not like what he had heard and asked the doctor what the problem was. "Well," said the doctor, "I can quite clearly hear a serious heart murmur. Do you drink?" "No," replied Moishe. "Do you smoke? "No." replied Moishe. "Well then, do you have a sex life?" "Well, now that you ask me, yes." said Moishe. "Well then, Moishe, that's the problem," said the doctor, "I'm afraid you'll have to give up half your sex life if you want your heart to last." Moishe asked, "Which half should I give up, the looking or the thinking?"
=========================
Who are the five most constipated men in the Old Testament? 1) Cain, because he wasn't Abel. 2) Moses, because he went up onto the mountain and took two tablets. 3) King David, because he sat on the throne for forty years. 4) Solomon, because neither heaven nor Earth could move him. 5) Noah, because he was at sea for forty days and forty nights and all he passed was water.
==========================
It's the yahrtzeit of Bernie Gold's death and Sadie, his widow, goes to the cemetery to clean his grave, read a prayer and then place a small stone on the marble, as is the tradition, to show that the deceased is remembered. But because she hadn't visited his grave for some years, Sadie cannot find Bernie's resting place and has to ask an attendant for help. He escorts her to the cemetery office where all the records are kept. He made her a cup of coffee and then spent time looking at maps and lists. After 30 minutes, he finally turns to Sadie and says, "I can find no record of a Bernie Gold buried at this cemetery. Are you sure he is here? All I can find is the grave of Sadie Gold" "That's him!" Sadie shouts out. "Bernie always put everything in my name."
=============================
Molly arrives home quite late one night and says to her worried husband Irving, "Sorry I'm late. I had to come home by train, as I couldn't get my car to start. But I'm sure I know why." "So what's the problem then, my mechanical engineer of a wife?" asks Irving. "I think there's water in the carburetor," replies Molly. "How on earth can you know that?" says Irving. "You don't even know how to open the hood or to change the time on the car's clock let alone know where the carburetor is." "Maybe so," says Molly, "but I still think there's water in it." Irving then says, "OK, I'll go along with you. Let's check it out right now. Where did you leave the car?" Molly replies, "In the lake!"
You can join Unsolved Mysteries and post your own mysteries or
interesting stories for the world to read and respond to Click hereScroll all the way down to read replies.Show all stories by Author:  27583 ( Click here )
Halloween is Right around the corner.. .
|
