"RULES KIDS WON'T LEARN IN SCHOOL" wooden nickel

Unfortunately there are some things that children should be learning in school, but don't. Not all of them have to do with academics. As a modest-back-to-school offering, here are some basic rules that may not have found their way into the standard curriculum.

Rule #1. Life is not fair. Get used to it. The average teen-ager uses the phrase "it's not fair" 8.6 times a day. You got it from your parents, who said it so often, you decided they must be the most idealistic generation ever. When they started hearing it from their own kids, they realized Rule #1.

Rule #2. The real world won't care as much about your self-esteem as your school does. It'll expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself. This may come as a shock. Usually, when inflated self-esteem meets reality, kids complain that it's not fair. (See Rule No. 1)

Rule #3. Sorry, you won't make $40,000 a year right out of high school. And you won't be a vice president or have a car phone either. You may even have to wear a uniform that doesn't have a Gap label.

Rule #4. If you think your teacher is tough, wait 'till you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure, so he tends to be a bit edgier. When you screw up, he is not going ask you how feel about it.

Rule #5. Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping. They called it opportunity. They weren't embarrassed making minimum wage either. They would have been embarrassed to sit around talking about Kurt Cobain all weekend.

Rule #6. It's not your parents fault. If you screw up, you are responsible. This is the flip side of "It's my life," and "You're not the boss of me," and other eloquent proclamations of your generation. When you turn 18, it's on your dime. Don't whine about it or you'll sound like a baby boomer.

Rule #7. Before you were born your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning up your room and listening to you tell them how idealistic you are. And by the way, before you save the rain forest from the blood-sucking parasites of your parents' generation try delousing the closet in your bedroom.

Rule #8. Life is not divided into semesters, and you don't get summers off. Nor even Easter break. They expect you to show up every day. For eight hours. And you don't get a new lease on life every 10 weeks. It just goes on and on.

Rule #9. Television is not real life. Your life is not a sitcom, nor a soap opera. Your problems will not all be solved in 30 minutes, minus time for commercials. In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee shop to go to jobs. Your friends will not be perky or as polite as Jennifer Aniston.

Rule #10. Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them We all could.

Rule #11. Enjoy this while you can. Sure, parents are a pain, school's a bother, and life is depressing. But someday you'll realize how wonderful it was to be kid. Maybe you should start now.

You're welcome.

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. A sergeant was passing the barracks after lights out, when he heard some voices from inside. He slammed open the door, and shouted: Listen, you guys! A few minutes ago, you all heard me say good night. What you must realize, is that when I say "Good Night," what I really mean is "Shut the HECk up!!!"

The room instantly fell silent. But after a few seconds, a small voice could be heard from somewhere in the far back of the dark room:

"Good Night, Sergeant"

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SIGNS THAT SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOUR MARRIAGE

* The FBI is regularly called in to settle arguments.

* You have his n' hers bathrooms.

* New jars have appeared in the kitchen, labelled "Anthrax" and "Cyanide."

* Sex is scheduled for a Thursday evening in the boring bit between the news and the late night sports show.

* Your in-laws are placing bets on who will get the house.

* Your spouse has a picture of you hanging on the dartboard.

* Family outings consist of you being chased out of the house by your spouse with a carving knife.

* You are desperate for your in-laws to visit so you can have someone else on which to vent your sarcastic remarks.

* Your spouse no longer reads novels in bed but stays up late studying the small print in your life insurance policy.

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The vice president of a company was checking out the computers in a shop, trying to decide which he wanted to purchase, when the sales clerk approached him.

"This little baby here," said the clerk, "will do half of your work for you."

"That sounds great to me," replied the VP, "I'll take two!"

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A Chinese couple named Wong had a new baby. The nurse brings them over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, definitely Caucasian white baby boy! "Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents. "What will you name the baby?" The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says.........."Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong.

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A country club didn't allow women on the golf course. Eventually, there was enough pressure that they decided to allow women on the course during the week. The ladies were satisfied with this arrangement, formed a women's club and became very active. After about 6 months, the club board received a letter from the women's club complaining about the men, urinating on the golf course. Naturally, they just ignored the matter. After another 6 months, they received another letter reminding them of the previous letter and demanding action. After due deliberation they sent the women a letter advising them that they had been granted equal privileges!

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