"I'd move heaven and earth to break a hundred , wooden nickel

Near the end of a particularly trying round of golf, during which the golfer had hit numerous fat shots, he said in frustration to his caddy, "I'd move heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course." "Try heaven," said the caddy. "You've already moved most of the earth."

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WHICH DOCTOR IS BEST?

During my training as a medical group receptionist, I was told never to recommend one of our doctors over another, but simply state who had available appointments.

One day, a woman came in and looked at me conspiratorially. "I'm a nurse," she whispered, "and I know the staff always knows which doctors are good, and which aren't. Who do you think I should see?"

Knowing my supervisor was listening close by, I tried to sound very professional. "Oh, I'm sorry," I replied. "I can't recommend any of our doctors."

"Well, you must know!" she said, heading for the door.

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Mom's advice to her daughter on choosing a man:



1. You need a man who has a good job and is a good provider.





2. You need a man who worships you and treats you like a princess.





3. You need a man who can make you laugh.





4. You need a man who can satisfy you physically.





5. You need to make sure that those four men never meet!

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Friends are for laughing... and telling your secrets to. They never find you lacking... no matter what you say or do!

Friends are for sharing... they listen to all your troubles and never complain! Friends are always very caring... forever there for you, even when you're being a pain!

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. In a perfect world... ...a person should feel as good at 50 as he did at 17, and he would actually be as smart at 50 as he thought he was at 17. ...you could give away a baby bed without getting pregnant. ...forget-me-nots would stimulate the memory. ...pro baseball players would complain about teachers being paid contracts worth millions of dollars. ...people would always have good reasons to be optimistic. ...the mail would always be early, the check would always be in the mail, and it would be written for more than you expected. ...potato chips might have calories, but if you ate them with dip, the calories would be neutralized. ...if the guy from the government said to you, "I'm here to help," not only would he mean it, but he would do it. ...every once in a while at least, a kid who always closed the door softly would be told, "Go back and slam the door." ...the better food tasted, the less calories it would have. ...warranties would be for 13 months and products would fail at 12. ...more would be accomplished by governments when they spent more.

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. Elementronics

The heaviest element known to science is Managerium.

This element has no protons or electrons, but has a nucleus composed of 1 neutron, 2 vice-neutrons, 5 junior vice-neutrons, 25 assistant vice-neutrons, and 125 junior assistant vice-neutrons all going round in circles.

Managerium has a half-life of three years, at which time it does not decay but institutes a series of reviews leading to reorganization. Its molecules are held together by means of the exchange of tiny particles known as morons.

====================

One of my first evenings back from overseas, my girl's understanding parents left us alone in the living room.

Naturally, we did not talk all the time. In the midst of a kiss, I noticed her little sister in her nightgown watching us from the doorway.

"If you will be a good girl and go to bed, I will give you a quarter," I said to her.

Without taking the bribe or saying a word, she ran off but soon was back again.

"Here is a dollar," she said. "I wanna watch."

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Eclipse \i-klips'\: what an English barber does for a living

Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: a clumsy ophthalmologist

Heroes \hee'-rhos\: what a guy in a boat does

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Two women were paired together as partners in a club tournament and met on the putting green for the first time.

After introductions, the first golfer asked, "What's your handicap?"

"Oh, I'm a scratch golfer," the other replied.

"Really!" exclaimed the first woman, suitably impressed that she was paired up with her.

"Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch out the bad ones!

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An IRS man asks a farmer, "How much is your prize bull worth?"

The farmer says, "For tax purposes, or has he been hit by a train?"

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Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass onto the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies, "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.

The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this. I've got a date with the cat."

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