A bum asked a man on the street for $2 , wooden nickel

A bum asked a man on the street for $2. "Will you buy booze?;" the man asks, to which the bum replies, "No." "Will you gamble it away?" Once again the bum replies, "No." "Will you make bets at the golf course?" Once again the bum replies "No, I don't play golf." Then the man asks, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink, gamble or play golf?"

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Dear God,

Yesterday was an awful day for me...... My husband ran off with his secretary, My son pierced his eyebrow, My daughter tatooed the bald spot on her head, My dog mated with the neighbors cat, My neighbor sold her house to a mental institution, My Mom told me I was adopted, My Dad told me he's gay, My boss told me I was laid off, My sister was arrested for prostitution, My house has termites, My car was stolen, All that came in the mail was bills, A plane, crash landed on my garage, O. J. Simpson came to my door selling rug cleaner, And my TV blew. Lord, please be with me today. I was able to live through all that misery yesterday. And I will be able to make it through anything today!! But please.... DON'T LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO MY COMPUTER!!!!

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The Female always makes The Rules. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

No Male can possibly know all The Rules. If the Female suspects the Male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules.

The Female is never wrong. (If the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the Male did or said wrong.)

(If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.)

The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.

The Male must never change his mind without express written consent from the Female.

The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female Wants him to be angry or upset.

The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.

The Male is expected to mind read at all times. The Male who doesn't abide by The Rules, can't take the heat, lacks a backbone, and is a wimp.

Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm.

At no time can the Male make such comments as "Insignificant" and "Is that all?" when the Female is complaining.

If the Female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void!

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"Ten Rules of Housekeeping"

1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.

2. Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands" and claim an ecological exemption.

3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave it alone.

4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"

5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.

6. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing handsewn play animals for underprivileged children.

7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."

8. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..."

9. Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident... I haven't had the heart to clean it..."

10. Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere..."

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When a bachelor marries, his wife has three qualities - she is an economist in the kitchen, an aristocrat in the living room and a devil in the bedroom.

After a few years, sure enough the three qualities remain, but not in the same order - she is an aristocrat in the kitchen, a devil in the living room and an economist in bed.

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A drunken Irishman is driving through the city of Dublin on St. Patty's Day and his car is weaving violently all over the road. An Irish cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"

"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the man. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

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Jesus, Moses, and an old bearded guy were playing golf. On the first tee, Moses shanked his ball into a lake. He parted the water and hit the ball onto the green.

Jesus teed off, hitting his ball into another water hazard, but he walked on water and stroked his ball to just short of the cup.

Then the old man with the beard stepped up for his tee shot. He hit the ball with tremendous force, but it hooked badly. The ball bounced off the clubhouse roof, hit the cart path, and rolled down the hill to a pond, coming to rest on a lily pad.

A frog hopped over and picked up the ball; then an eagle swooped down, snatched the frog, and flew over the green. The frog dropped the ball, and it rolled into the cup for a hole in one. Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing golf with your dad."

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Groan Warning... 'Twas in a restaurant they first met, Romeo and Juliet. 'Twas there that he got into debt, 'Cause Rom-e-owed what Juli-et.'

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