70-year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom *poof* the light goes on, when I'm done *poof* the light goes off."
"Wow!" commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife.
"Ethel," he said, "George is doing fine. Physically he's great. But, I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof* the light goes on in the bathroom, and then when he is through *poof* the light goes off?"
Ethel exclaimed, "Oh, my God! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
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With your eyes closed for prayer, anything can happen in a room full of preschoolers.
Prayer requests reveal a lot about parents.
A fire extinguisher is a handy device.
Helium tanks should be chained down tightly.
Cheap glue adheres to skin.
Kool Aid and song motions do not mix.
Grand pianos are not as durable as you might think.
Church maintenance men do not have a sense of humor.
Offering money always rolls to the other side of the room when dropped.
Ushers do not have a sense of humor.
There IS a doggie Heaven.
Parachute games should not be used in a room with a chandelier.
Animal crackers can be sneezed out the nose.
Girls are superior to boys.
There are good reasons why pastor's kids have a bad reputation.
Helium intoxication does not render respect in a staff meeting.
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HONEST DRUNK
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a quart of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. He said, "You must be single."
The woman, a bit startled but intrigued by the derelict's intuition, looked at her six items on the belt.
Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."
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