Our son recently married a Russian woman , wooden nickel

Our son recently married a Russian woman. During the reception, Russian and American guests proposed toasts. As someone translated, my sister-in-law said, "Good health, good fortune. Go and multiply." I couldn't help noticing that some of the guests looked confused. We found out later that it had been translated as, "Good health, good fortune. Go and do math."

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IN MY LIFE Somehow, out of all the twists and turns our lives could have taken, and out of all the chances we might have missed, it almost seems like we were given a meant-to-be moment... to meet, to get to know each other, and to set the stage for a special togetherness.

======================= . A husband was with his wife when she decided to buy something for their daughter-in-law at an exclusive lingerie shop.

Inside, the husband was feeling very out of place when a beautiful clerk asked if she could help him.

In a cocky manner, he asked, "Where are all the men's clothes?"

In a demure voice the clerk replied, "All of these clothes are for men, sir."

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Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing the sick-leave provisions set out by their contract.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!"

There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.

A union negotiator broke the silence in the room.

"Wow!" he said. "Just think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"

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Why?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin? Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery?" Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? Why is a boxing ring square? Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips? Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin? Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? Why is it that rain drops but snow falls? Why is it that to stop Windows 95 or 98, you have to click on "Start?" Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

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"How Do You Know?"

Three travelers, an American, a Russian, and an Egyptian, were circumnavigating the globe a la Jules Verne (in a balloon). The Russian man put his hand out and reached down into the clouds.

"Aaah!" he said. "We're right over my homeland."

"How can you tell?" asked the American.

"I can feel the cold air." he replied.

A few days later the African man put his hand through the clouds.

"Aah we're right over my homeland." he said.

"How do you know that?" asked the Russian.

"I can feel the heat of the desert."

Several more days later the American put his hand through the clouds.

"Aah, we're right over New York." The Russian and the African were amazed.

"How do you know all of that?!" they exclaimed.

The American pulled his hand in and held it up for them to see. "My watch is missing."

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"HOLLYWOOD SQUARES"

If you remember this show and its comics, this will bring a tear to your eyes. They are well worth the time it takes to read them. These great questions and answers are from the days when HOLLYWOOD SQUARES show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course. The younger readers among you won't know who some of these people are. Go ask your parents.

1.. Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

2.. Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

3.. Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

4.. Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

5.. Q. According to COSMO, if you meet a stranger at a party, and you think he's attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning. 6.. Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency. 7.. Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?

A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

8.. Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

9.. Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question, Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget. 10.. Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily. 11.. Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A. Of course not! I'm too busy growing strawberries. 12.. Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy. 13.. Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures. 14.. Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

15.. Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out. 16.. Q. When you pat a dog on his head, he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark? 17.. Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

18.. Q. According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the Army.

19.. Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does this mean?

A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing. 20.. Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body. What is it?

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

21.. Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it into his mouth. 22.. Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant? 23.. Q. When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car; the rest is up to him.

24.. Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

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