According to a survey from Scott paper co.
* You can gauge a person's education by whether they read in the bathroom. * More than 2/3 of the people with a master's degree and doctorates read in the stall. * Only one in two high school grads read while in the bathroom, and 56 percent of those with college degrees do. * Fifty-four percent of Americans fold their toilet tissue neatly while 35 percent wad it into a ball before using it. * Seven percent steal rolls of toilet paper (hotels/motels) * More than sixty percent prefer that their toilet paper roll over the top, twenty-nine percent from the bottom. The rest don't care.
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A lady was feeling tired, worn down, sluggish, bereft of pep. Her get-up-and-go just got up and went. So, she scheduled her annual physical a little early this year.
When the doctor had completed the exhaustive examination, he told the lady to meet him back in his office when she had finished dressing. From behind his desk, the doctor said, "Well, I can't find any physiological reason for your problem, but I suspect it's due to drinking."
"I'll bet you're right," replied the lady. "And, you know what? I think it's utterly shameful!"
"Now, now," said the doctor. "Millions of people have a problem with alcohol. It's nothing to be ashamed of."
"It certainly is!" the lady huffed, as she picked up her purse and stood to leave. Pausing in the doorway, she shook her head sadly at the doctor and said, "I'll come back when you're sober."
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. (Reportedly) Real Headlines
Boy Declared Dead, Revives as Family Protests
Dead Coyote Found in Bronx Launches Search for its Mate
42% of All Murdered Women are Killed by the Same Man
National Hunting Group Targeting Women (oh, really??)
Fire Officials Grilled over Kerosene Heaters
Police Can't Stop Gambling
Youth Hit by Car Riding Bicycle
Hostage-Taker Kills self; Police Shoot Each Other
Check With Doctors Before Getting Sick
====================== A few years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car. I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30mph for it to start.
She said "fine!", hopped into her car and drove off.
I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing.
A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rear-view mirror coming at me at about 40 mph, and I suddenly realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my directions...
=======================
As a traffic safety consultant, I often gave talks on accident prevention. One night after I spoke to a PTA group, the program chairperson thanked me profusely, and gave me a check for fifty dollars.
"Giving these presentations is a part of my job," I said. "Could I donate the money to one of your causes?"
"That would be wonderful!" she gushed. "We have just the program that could use it. We're trying to raise money so we can afford better speakers."
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YOU KNOW YOU MIGHT NOT BE AS YOUNG AS YOU USED TO BE WHEN...
Your back goes out but you stay home.
* You and your teeth don't sleep together.
* You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you're not wearing any.
* You hear snap, crackle, pop at the breakfast table, but you're not eating any cereal.
* You wake up looking like your drivers license picture.
* It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
* When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
* When happy hour is a nap.
* When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.
* When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
* Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
* It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
* Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
* You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
* The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
* Getting lucky means you found your car in the parking lot.
* The twinkle in your eye is only a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.
* The iron in your blood turns to lead in your pants.
* It takes twice as long to look half as good.
* Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
* Your house catches fire and the first thing you grab is your Metamucil.
* You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.
* You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
* You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.
* You get to the check out line, see how long it is, and decide what you have in your cart isn't worth the wait.
* Rocking in a rocking chair feels like a roller coaster ride.
* You confuse having a 'clear conscience' with a bad memory.
* You finally 'have your head together' but your body is falling apart.
* You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.
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Halloween is Right around the corner.. .
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