" A Man's Perfect Wedding " wooden nickel

If Men Were in Charge of Weddings

There would be a "Rehearsal Kegger" rather than a "Rehearsal Dinner."

Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cut-offs and halter tops.

They would have NO tan lines.

The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped up '73 Charger or some other Mopar with racing tires and flame designs on the side of the car. Better yet, a Harley!

Idiots who tried to dance with the bride (unless they were really old) would get punched in the head.

Big, slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of "Best Man."

There would be "Tailgate Receptions."

Ceremonies would be short and honeymoons would be long.

Ceremonies and honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the cost of the bachelor party. Those strippers and liquor sure do add up.

Men wouldn't ask, "Well, what do you think, dear? The burgundy or the wine colored napkins?" They'd just grab extras from their local pub or tavern.

Favors would be matchbooks and cigars. Better yet, free drink passes at the local lounge.

Instead of a sit-down dinner or a buffet, there would be a hog roast or buckets of chicken, pizza and plenty of bar-b-que.

No one would bother with that "Veil Routine." But they would insist that the garter be as high up on her leg as it could go.

The bridal bouquet would be recycled from a previous funeral or something.

Invitations would read as follows:

Tom (Dick or Harry) is getting the ol' ball and chain... He's getting married. He either: A) got her PG., B) couldn't get a different roommate, or C) caved in to her ultimatum. Please meet the woman who will cook and clean for him For the rest of his life at Texas Stadium On the 50 Yard Line At Half-time during Sunday's Game. Please join us at The Clubhouse after the game For Beer, Nachos and Pizza. Oh yeah... B.Y.O.B

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When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old daughter came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, Honey. Remember, Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, "but what's growing in your butt?" When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

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When I was younger I hated going to weddings ... it seemed that all of the Aunts and the grandmotherly types would come up to me, poke me in the ribs and tell me, "You're next." They stopped that stuff after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

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When Moshe Blumenthal had reached the age of seventy-five, he suddenly began chasing the young chicks. A neighbor brought this behavior to the attention of his wife. "Whatta you gonna do about it?" she asked. "Who cares?" said Mrs. Blumenthal. "Let him chase girls! Dogs chase cars -- but when they catch them, they can't drive!"

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When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this: "Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'" One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook???"

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When Pastor Ovall picked up the phone, Special Agent Struzik from the IRS was on the line. "Hello, Pastor Ovall?" "Yes, this is." "I'm calling to inquire about a member of your congregation, a Dr. Shipe. Do you recognize the name?" "Yes, he is a member of our congregation. How can I be of service?" "Well, on last year's tax return, the doctor claimed that he made a sizable tax-deductable contribution to your church? Is it true?" "Well, I'll have to have my bookkeeper verify this information for you. How much did Dr. Shipe say he contributed?" "Twenty five thousand dollars," answered Agent Struzik. "Can you tell me if that's true?" There is a long pause. "I'll tell you what," replied Pastor Ovall, "Call back tomorrow. I'm sure it will be."

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A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked. "What did you take?" the priest asked. "Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake." "This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?" "No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."

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