" HOUSEKEEPING RULES " wooden nickel

Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. (Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.)

Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands", and claim an ecological exemption.

Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5, and leave it alone.

Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"

If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room, and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl, and say, "I'd love you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed, and the shots are so expensive."

Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean, and I still don't get anywhere."

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One late autumn day a little bird was flying south for the winter. The weather got so cold, the bird froze in mid-air and fell to the ground in the middle of a large field.

While the poor bird was lying there, a wandering cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realise how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out!



He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!



And the morals to the story?

1. Not everyone who dumps CRAP on you is your enemy.

2. Not everyone who gets you out of CRAP is your friend.

3. And when you're in deep CRAP, keep your mouth shut!

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Think about getting rich: friendships are priceless, time is invaluable, health is wealth, and love is a treasure.



Create a nest egg of beautiful memories that you can dip into from time to time to ease any sorrows.



Have the kind of remembrances that raise you up with their worth and keep you there with their wonder.



Always have a secret supply of hopes on hand to help you plan your tomorrows. Remember that when you invest in your dreams it is impossible to overpay.



Give away smiles, and watch them come back to you a hundred times over.



Stuff your pockets with kindness and optimism; there is nothing more precious in the world.



I'm sharing this advice with you today because you are an important piece in the puzzle of my life.

I hope you have an amazing day today and always!

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"Wise King Solomon"

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.

"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.

And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.

"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."

"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.

But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.

"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.

"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."

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