A post for Wooden Nickel~ÎcedÇaveman

Well USM i feel that Wooden Nickel is great at humor.I think he knows how to make us all laugh,so i put together this post for him.

I will be including some of his jokes and my thoughts on them...hope you all enjoy!*Note* double qouted if alredy qouted by him and whole joke is qouted once.

His jokes my thoughts:

""Get Along Better""

"Proven Ways to Get Along Better With EVERYONE"

"1. Before you say anything to anyone, ask yourself 3 things:

1. Is it true? 2. Is it kind? 3. Is it necessary?

2. Make promises sparingly and keep them faithfully.

3. Never miss the opportunity to compliment or say something encouraging to someone.

4. Refuse to talk negatively about others; don't gossip and don't listen to gossip.

5. Have a forgiving view of people. Believe that most people are doing the best they can.

6. Keep an open mind; discuss, but don't argue. (It is possible to disagree without being disagreeable.)

7. Forget about counting to 10. Count to 1,000 before doing or saying anything that could make matters worse.

8. Let your virtues speak for themselves.

9. If someone criticizes you, see if there is any TRUTH to what he is saying; if so, make changes. If there is no truth to the criticism, ignore it and live so that no one will believe the negative remark.

10. Cultivate your sense of humor; laughter is the shortest distance between two people.

11. Do not seek so much to be consoled, as to console; do not seek so much to be understood, as to understand; do not seek so much to be loved as to love.

12. Because I took a moment to speak And you took a second to smile A tiny part of me will leave with you And a little bit of you will stay"

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"It is Tough Being a Man"

"If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.

If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.

If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.

If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.

If you don't, you're an insensitive clod.

If you thump her, it's wife bashing.

If she thumps you, it's self-defense.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.

If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.

If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.

If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.

If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself.

If you don't, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.

If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore."

"NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN..... THEY WANT TO!"

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"A Sunday school teacher asked her class to look at TV commercials, and see how they could use them in ways to communicate ideas about God."

"Here are some of the results:"

"GOD is like BAYER ASPIRIN ...He works miracles.

GOD is like a FORD ...He's got a better idea.

GOD is like COKE ...He's the real thing.

GOD is like HALLMARK CARDS ...He cares enough to send His very best.

GOD is like TIDE ...He gets the stains out that others leave behind.

GOD is like GENERAL ELECTRIC ...He brings good things to life.

GOD is like SEARS ...He has everything.

GOD is like ALKA-SELTZER ...Try Him, you'll like him.

GOD is like SCOTCH TAPE ...You can't see him, but you know He's there.

GOD is like DELTA ...He's ready when you are.

GOD is like ALLSTATE ...You're in good hands with Him.

GOD is like VO-5 HAIR SPRAY ...He holds through all kinds of weather.

GOD is like DIAL SOAP ...Aren't you glad you have Him. Don't you wish everybody did?"

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"Little Johnny's dad was a farmer in a poor district of the country. One day his Uncle Abner came to visit. Since there were limited accommodations, he was required to sleep with his young nephew, Little Johnny."

"When Uncle Abner came into the bedroom, he saw the Little Johnny Kneeling at the side of the bed with his head bowed. Thinking this was the child's religious upbringing, he decided to present a good example and kneeled at the other side of the bed with his head bowed."

"Little Johnny looked up and said, "Whatcha doin'?""

""Why, the same thing you're doing", replied Uncle Abner."

""Ma's gonna be mad", said Little Johnny."

""Why will she be mad?" asked Uncle Abner."

""Because the bed pan's on this side!" responded Little Johnny."

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"Mafia Valentine's Day Greetings"

"My love for you... it came and went. So your feet are now in wet cement."

"I'm here to fulfill your fondest wishes Now that your husband sleeps with the fishes."

"Lie down with me It's my final offa, Or you'll be lying wit' Jimmy Hoffa."

"I picked up this card from a slim selection, But that's all they offer in witness protection. Love, J. Doe"

------------------------- "Redneck's Valentine's Day Poem that'll touch your heart-"

"Roses are red, or are they blue? Heck I don't know but i do like you."

"I love you more than my truck's tires. Yer more useful than my old rusty pliers."

"You cook a good deer and fry a good egg, just wish you'd shave that hair off your legs."

"If you decide not to do it, Pumkin Face, It's okay, I'll still feel the same, I'll just keep on tellin my buddies, yer up fer a part in Planet of the Apes."

"Yer my pride and joys, What a lady! But hows come we do only when it's my payday?"

"When I ran over ya with my truck, you didn't even say "ouch." And you are so cute, when you wipe your boogers under the couch."

WoodenNickel these are some of the funniest jokes i have ever read...i really liekd these a whole lot.They kick booty and i thank you for the wonderful jokes that you have givin us USMers.Thanx for all of the laughs that you have left us!

Your friend,

IC {ÎcedÇaveman UGH!}

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