"I'm into Jewish bondage... , wooden nickel

"I'm into Jewish bondage...that's having your money tied up in an IRA account."

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IF LIEBERMAN BECOMES PRESIDENT

1) White House brunches now include lox AND nova and a little kugel, some nice cheese, blintzes, maybe some eggs, but not too runny, every kind of bagel, and coffee...de-caf. 2) The Jackie Mason postage stamp. 3) Chinese food every Sunday night! 4) The White House floors will be SPOTLESS. 5) Christmas tree will have Jewish star on top. 6) White House doctor will get more respect than the President. 7) Oval office conference table will always have a coffee cake in the middle. 8) Kids found bleeding when Afikomen is hidden in rose garden. 9) Nancy Reagan China replaced with Bloomingdales meat and dairy dishes. 10) Inaugural Ball held at Beth Shalom Social Center. 11) Plastic covers on White House furniture. 12) Camp David moved to Grossingers. 13) Number of Cabinet members adjusted to make a minyan. 14) Men and women sit separately in press room. 15) Instead of a pen, every White House guest is offered a nice piece of fruit...maybe a sandwich. 16) Air Force One pilot sits low, with head below windshield, perpetually signals right. 17) All Mt. Rushmore figures get nose job. 18) At inauguration, Supreme Court Chief Justice gives President a Kiddush cup and candlesticks. 19) Balance the Budget? - Buy everything wholesale! 20) All military uniforms are changed because there's a MUCH better tailor who could do better work for HALF what they paid for those. 21) National Anthem changed to "Sunrise, Sunset." 22) We all have to go the White House once a week for dinner-and bring something from the bakery. 23) Martin Sheen replaced on "West Wing" by Gary Shandling. 24) New Secretary of State - Barbara Streisand. 25) National symbol changed from bald eagle to "The Early Bird." 26) Annual Easter Egg Hunt changed to "Find the Matzo Ball." 27) "Hail to the Chief" replaced with "Get A Load of the Big Macher." 28) White House interns -- shiksas only!

=======================AND

The US Marine and Army Bands have just ordered the sheet music for Hava Nagila

The Chefs at the White House have just ordered Kosher Cook Books, they were heard saying "what the heCK is GRIVENIS?"

The Air Force is preparing to lay newspaper down on the runways at Andrews Air Force Base every Friday night.

Overnight, the Democratic National Committee received $30 million ---- in pledges. $2 million was from "ANONYMOUS."

The Secret Service has ordered bullet proof vests with Tsitsis on them.

The LULUV will replace the Rose as the new National Flower

Hadassah Lieberman was heard saying, "Thank G-d the White House has more than ONE set of dishes."

The Olympic Swimming Pool at Georgetown Univ. is being temporarily turned into a Mikva so she can bring the dishes there to be made Kosher.

The Secret Service Code Name for Joe Lieberman is "Mensch." That's what the entire nation will be calling him.

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A well-meaning gentile from Connecticut, upon getting to Washington on his vacation, is about to enter Senator Lieberman's office when a Capitol Building guard stops him. "I'm sorry, Sir," the guard explained. "Senator Lieberman is doing Mincha and Mariv at this time." The gentile walks away shaking his head, saying "Hmmm, Clinton only had Monica."

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THE LAST RITES & THE LITTLE JEWISH MAN

A catholic man is struck by a bus on a busy street. He is lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathers. "A preacher. Somebody get me a preacher!" the man gasps. Minutes drag on and no one steps out of the crowd. A policeman checks the crowd and finally yells, "A PRIEST, PLEASE! Isn't there a priest in this crowd to give this man his last rites?"

Finally, out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least 80 years of age. "Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Christian. But for 50 years now I'm living behind the Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm overhearing their services. I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort to this poor man."

The policeman agrees, and clears the crowd so the man can get through to where the injured man lay. The old Jewish man kneels down, leans over the man and says in a solemn voice:

"B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72..."

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