" Discoveries " WOODEN NICKEL

Man discovered weapons, invented hunting. Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.

Man discovered colors, invented painting. Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.

Man discovered speech, invented conversation. Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.

Man discovered agriculture, invented food. Woman discovered food, invented diet.

Man discovered friendship, invented love. Woman discovered love, invented marriage.

Man discovered woman, invented sex. Woman discovered sex, invented headache.

Man discovered trade, invented money. Woman discovered money, and man was a complete mess after that.

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Marriage is a mutual relationship as long as both parties know when to be mute.

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A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read "Unique Breakfast" so he walked in and sat down.

The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted.

"What's your Unique Breakfast?" he asked inquisitively.

"Baked tongue of chicken!" she proudly replied.

"Baked tongue of chicken?... baked tongue of chicken! Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth!" he fumed.

Undaunted, the waitress asked, "What would you like then?"

"Just bring me some scrambled eggs," the man replied.WHAT END OF THE CHICKEN DID THOSE COME OUT OF ?

========================= In California, there's a 6-month waiting period for filing for divorce, but only a 15-day waiting period for buying a handgun. It's nice to know the government is giving us advice on how to work out our problems.

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Driving my friend Steve and his girlfriend to the airport, I passed a billboard showing a bikini-clad beauty holding a can of beer. Steve's girlfriend glanced up at it and announced, "I suppose if I drank a six-pack of that brand, I'd look like her." "No," Steve corrected, "If I drank a six-pack, you'd look like her."

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Two BLONDE rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean...they spend a fortune! The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish. As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost

us fifteen hundred bucks?"The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch more!"

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Two guys are sitting at a bar when, "THUMP!" "THUMP!", this 500 lb. fat woman walks by. "Hey Joe," one guy says, poking his friend with his elbow, "what do you think of her, huh?" Joe looks around and sees the woman, and comments, "Oh, I'd say she's a 7." "A 7!?" shouts his friend in disbelief, "Do you need some glasses, man? You're not drunk all ready, are you?" "No," says Joe, "I was talking about the Richter Scale."

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1. Kitchen closed - this chick has had it! 2. Martha Stewart doesn't live here!! 3. I'm creative; you can't expect me to be neat too! 4. So this isn't Home Sweet Home... Adjust! 5. Ring Bell for Maid Service...If no answer do it yourself! 6. I clean house every other day.... Today is the other day! 7. If you write in the dust, please don't date it! 8. I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener! 9. My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it! 10. A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life. 11. COOK CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! 12. I came, I saw, I decided to order take out. 13. If you don't like my standards of cooking ... lower your standards. 14. You may touch the dust in this house ... but please don't write in it! 15. Apology ... Although you'll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down, converse. It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even worse. 16. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious! 17. If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap. 18. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. 19. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. 20. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. 21. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life. 22. Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out. 23. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives. 24. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines. 25. Dull women have immaculate houses.

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Men are like ... coolers. Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

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Men are like ... chocolate bars. Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.

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Men are like ... road kill They usually just lie around until they start to smell.

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